when i knew God was telling us to adopt, i fought Him for two months.
it made no sense.
for almost two years, it’d been my dream to grow our family through adoption, and the moment i felt Him say, “okay. now you start.” i started laughing and twiddling my thumbs like a nervous grade school boy. i refused to move.
there were too many excuses - the biggest one being money. it’s just foolish! i would counter His nudges and He would shake His head, tap my heart with his finger, and wait for me to obey.
that was a year and a half ago.
now, in the middle of our process, i still don’t know where all the money will come from.
but i stopped believing in the foolishness of the dream and i jumped. i listened to my soul speak, recognized His voice, and took the step.
and from that very first step, every one of our needs have been met.
i couldn’t help but think of this example as i read mandy’s words this week. it’s been a long one – last minute home study, unforeseen sickness and raging cabin fever. reading over more of the excuses crystallized a lot of what i’ve been feeling lately – particularly holding my dream close against those who may find it foolish.
paired with this is the ever-present demon of perfection. it makes sense to wait. it makes sense to buy into the lie that everything must be perfect in order to work well.
but if i do this, i miss the miracle of grappling with messiness. and i’m beginning to see the beauty of this unpredictability. it would have made sense for russ and i to wait and save enough for our entire adoption. if were to have done that, though, we would have missed the beauty of seeing God provide. we would have missed the lean-in to dirty faith and realizing that still small voice telling you to jump really does mean something.
question for you :: are you willing to grapple with messiness?
next week – part 3 of tomorrow’s dreams today.
I’m learning through watching my husband partner in two (and now potentially three) new start-up businesses, that there is always initial risk for later gain. This is an almost daily lesson for me right now, and I’m implementing what he is learning in my own life in little ways. I spend money to make money. I spend out time in order to create a project that will live on. Lots of investments and experimenting and risk-taking. The biggest thing he is teaching me is that if I want to do something, I can, I just have to find out how. So I’m trying to spend energy on coming up with creative ways to do what I want to do, instead of feeding myself the next excuse of why I can’t, why I won’t, why I’m stuck or why I’m the victim. At the same time, I pour grace over myself, because being a person who doesn’t use excuses is hard and scary and a certain level of awareness and patience on the timing of things is required. This is a vulnerable place to live, and can be hard to sustain. So grace. Lots of grace.
i can relate with a lot of what Mandy’s written above. the spending money to make money… it’s hard for me. i have so many ideas and see resources depleting and not being replenished quickly enough for me, and it scares me. i’m questioning a lot about where i’m placing my trust and values. it’s tough. tough to walk in faith, and tough to give myself grace. i’m glad Mandy wrote grace a few times there. what Elora wrote “beauty of unpredictability” resonates with me as something i need to see. all of this is helping me grow and go.
and i dedicated this to us, and want to make sure you all see it: http://thisismyoffering.blogspot.com/2012/02/tomorrows-dreams.html
xoxo
i thought the same thing about grace, brianne. it was a good reminder for me.
Yes! We’re approved for domestic adoption and 5 months in to waiting for a birthmother to choose us. We did NOT have the thousands of dollars the adoption costs just sitting around- but like you said we knew God was saying GO and so we launched out in faith. AND….he has been faithful of course! One friend felt led to gift us lavishly with $6k that she and her husband had been blessed with. Totally crazy! We only have a couple thousand more needed but I already know He will bring it in, just like he’s going to bring our baby home- surely and in his timing. I think if we had had the money ourselves it would have felt like we were doing this. Instead we have been totally dependent on our Father and just carried along in his sovereign plan. There is no question whatsoever that this is HIS story that he’s writing for us- every single word from start to finish. All control has been stripped from us and we’ve been made totally vulnerable and reliant on him. Adoption is such a crazy process and I know it’s just the start of God sanctifying us more and more as we grow our family. Blessings on your process! It’s wild and it will take everything your heart has, but it’s so worth it!
carrie, so glad you commented!!! praying for you and your little one – can’t wait to hear what God does through this story.