Moon Dust and Starlight.

"I call all my power back to me now." 

I stood in the stall and whispered this like an incantation. My hands pressed up against each other as if I were praying. I was. But I was also trying to stop shaking. I had approximately three minutes until I needed to be somewhere, and I needed to not be shaking. Preferably. 

When we give energy away willingly, intentionally, with positivity, we get stronger. We become truer, purer, bigger. Power-full.

When we give our energy away unconsciously, under duress, as we are victimized, or taken advantage of, when we over-give out of a sense of deficiency or obligation, we … don’t get stronger. We constrict, we get depleted, we start to stiffen from fear.
— Danielle LaPorte

About fifteen minutes later, I stood in the room and spoke with someone who was charged with the role of moderator. His sentences were crisp and focused, determined to stay on the point and within schedule. 

"Do you understand?" 

I nodded. 

"Do you have any questions?" 

I shook my head. 

He clapped his hands and took a step toward the door before turning his head back to me, "oh and Elora?"

We looked at each other. 

"This is your room now." 

moondust.jpg

.::.

I've been thinking about this exchange for weeks. 

Me, calling back my power. Him, passing me ownership. 

Power. Ownership. 

What would it look like for us to buy into the Truth — yes, Truth — that we are capable of choosing when and where we reveal our Power? And not only are we capable, but this is necessary in living out our purpose. 

I know. It's a big word. 

Think about it. In order to really understand what we're meant to do, we have to be willing to own it. We have to be willing to step into the Power required for it. 

I've been doing some soul-work this year. Three weeks in and I am consistently asked to show up and show out — to reclaim my power. My time. My purpose. What keeps surfacing, again and again, is the necessary work of owning up to my own magic and potential. 

And here is where I've landed: I refuse to work and love and create and relate from a place of inferiority. I am moon dust and starlight. I am poet. I am rio abajo rio. I am lion and la loba. I feel this awakening and I will not stop it. I will not tamper my light so you can stay comfortable with who I've been.

I will not silence my ascent.

I call all my power back to me now. Especially the piece you took when I looked the other way.

Posted on January 21, 2018 and filed under Soul Care.

What's Saving Me Right Now

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Little Lion's curiosity:  

Within the past month, Jubal's mental capacity to understand questions and accept curiosity has been staggering. He's always processing. Always pulling and pushing and uncovering and pinching and tasting and shaking. It's amazing to watch and it may sound silly, but it's helping my own processing: how am I staying curious? What currently has my attention? 

It's so easy to just roll with the punches and live life in one fell swoop, but I want to accomplish more than work and sleep (which feel like the only things I can accomplish on some days). 

So his curiosity is pushing me to be more thoughtful. Intentional. How am I spending my days? 


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Date nights with my love. 

I work from 1-10 every night, and so being OUT and with my love makes everything worth it. Capturing the sunset doesn't hurt, either.  

For my birthday we went to a local bar we love and on the way there I watched as the sky turned different shades of violent and remembered this right here will always be my aesthetic. Lavenders and rose and teal and indigo and magentas merging together to put on one last show before letting the moon take over? 

Always a favorite.

The only thing that could have made it better is if it were by the ocean.


My Book of the Month subscription:

No but really. I will unequivocally state that this is the reason why I'm able to get back into reading after an uncomfortable hiatus. If you know me you know that if I'm not reading, I'm not creating. Plus, there's not much that can make me happier than new books. It's a win-win. 

Books I've gotten through the subscription —

  • Girls in the Moon, Janet McNally
  • You Will Know Me, Megan Abbott
  • Lucky You, Erika Carter
  • Perfect Little World, Kevin Wilson
  • Lies She Told Me, Cate Holahan
  • Emma in the Night, Wendy Walker

and so much more. 


Other moments saving me:

Excerpt from AND IT WILL FEEL LIKE TRUTH 

Excerpt from AND IT WILL FEEL LIKE TRUTH 

  • getting the notice that Jubal Vox's adoption is finalized. For good. Forever. 
  • Coffee, always.  
  • Investing in an iPad Pro and Apple Pencil to take my writing and creativity to a whole new level.
  • Jubal's smile when he wakes up from a nap
  • training new hires at work and using my teacher muscles I love so much
  • pictures and videos of the total eclipse
  • belly laughter with friends  
  • inching along in the memoir word-by-word
  • seeing Spencer Hastings on an episode of NCIS
  • Introducing Air Mattress movie nights to Jubal

For the longest time, I felt trapped. I was so exhausted I couldn't think about doing anything else other than sleep, cuddle little lion, and work. And I was happy and content during these times, but I knew I wasn't doing what brings me the most joy. Even still, I found it hard to care because all I wanted was to curl into my sheets and get some rest.

Because of this, I struggled with why. Why pick up a pen or a book if it's not going to matter anyway? I'm so rusty with words, why try putting them into sentences? 

The Elora who published books and wrote consistently and taught classes on creativity felt so foreign. There were days on end where I had to fight to keep from giving up completely on anything creative. I couldn't write, couldn't read, couldn't do much of anything. But seasons are real for a reason, and I knew it would end eventually. I'd gone through this before, and I would go through it again. I kept breathing in beauty wherever I could, hoping that eventually, the clouds would break and I would be able to create again. 

So beauty, in all of its forms, is what is saving me too. 

Tell me: what's saving you? 

 

Posted on September 6, 2017 and filed under Soul Care, The Memoirs.

Elora Reads: The Mailbox

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Last night I finished reading The Mailbox by Marybeth Whalen. 

First, let me say this: I've been in a reading slump. 

I can't even remember the last book I finished. So when I had some extra time this weekend, I decided to find a book I knew would be a quick read regardless of the content. Usually these look like an indie book. Probably YA. When I opened my kindle app, though, The Mailbox was the first to show so I clicked. 

Also worth noting: I think I purchased the book as a Kindle Daily Deal. Currently the book sits at $8.99 for the Kindle version and I can't imagine paying that much for a book I know I will love, let alone one I have never heard of and think I may enjoy. 

According to the premise, it had everything that would warrant a clearance purchase from me: set off the North Carolina coast, an intriguing plot, seems to be an easy read. 

Two of those were correct. This is set in Sunset Beach, right on the South Carolina / North Carolina border. It was also an easy read in that I could skim pages and not really miss anything. 

The plot fell flat for me.

 Boy meets girl when they're teenagers. They spend summers together on the beach, promising each other the world. Girl goes back to city in the fall, and they pick up their romance when she returns the next year. 

But then one year, boy gets another girl pregnant (shocker). 
He marries new girl, out of confusion and desperation, and doesn't tell his long-distance-love until months later. 
Years go by and both experience dissolution of their current relationships, and when girl escapes to the beach after her divorce, she runs into boy and they live happily ever after. 

Basically. 

In between all of this is a mailbox where Lindsay, the girl, writes her thoughts like she would a journal (why doesn't homegirl have a journal?). She does this every year. Just one letter. There is a kindred spirit who keeps the letters, and when she finds out who this person is, she feels betrayed — as she should. 

I struggled with this book. A lot. I wasn't prepared for the platitudes thrown throughout the pages, and I felt the characterization was weak. Campbell's ex feels stereotypically harsh and calculating. Lindsay's relationship with her best friend is one dimensional, only speaking of the men in her life and nothing more. When she escapes to the island, her and Campbell go on a date and when he leans in to kiss her, she explicitly states she's not ready to be physical since she just finalized her divorce. 

He still kisses her, which makes her hesitation magically disappear. 

And, at one point, when the person who has been LIndsay's "kindred spirit" apologizes for taking her letters and reading them, part of the apology includes, "but, because I did this, you've been my kindred spirit this whole time." 

When she asks for clarification, she gets "these letters are why I returned to God." 

#sigh

What I enjoyed: it being on the North Carolina coast. That's really it. The scenery felt similar to our time in Kure Beach and that made me want to keep reading to hear more about it, but turning the page kept me disappointed until the end. The only reason I kept reading was because I was so desperate to finish a book I pushed through, hoping it would get better. 

Rating: 1 out of 5 stars 

Posted on September 4, 2017 and filed under Elora Reads.