i can't.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest… Matthew 11.28 I woke up this morning incredibly drained. Russ lost his job yesterday and last night we spent awhile dealing with the disappointment and wondering where we go from here. We've been expecting something like this for awhile, the signs weren't hidden. And even though this seems more like God protecting Russ then anything malicious, I still had to deal with the anger towards those who wronged him and the hurt I felt on behalf of my husband. Riding on the waves of those emotions left me feeling empty....the last thing I wanted to do was travel an hour north and muster up enough energy to teach. To give you an example of how on edge I was emotionally, when I walked into my classroom, I checked my e-mail. My grandmother sent me a message last night with an encouraging word - letting me know she was praying for us. I didn't even get two words into the e-mail before I broke down at my desk - quickly turning my head and wiping my cheeks when a student walked in to take a test.

Around 10:30, I finally accepted the fact that this fog wasn't going anywhere, so I texted Russ - asking him to pray for my foul attitude. I started feeling a little better, but I still craved rest. I've been going constantly for awhile now - sleeping less than six hours a night and waking up way too early. Today was one of those days where my body definitely let me know just how worn down I really am - and just how much I truly need rest.

I hit the brick wall around 11:30. Eyes tearing up at my keyboard, I emailed a friend letting her know I just couldn't do something I signed up for on Saturday. Over the past few days, I've felt this sinking feeling - as if I'm slowly falling into this quicksand and I'm not quite sure how to gain my footing. I realized today, in the middle of my stacks of grading and e-mailing administration and planning for the weekend and thinking about finances and worrying about how everything will work out...

I just can't.

It was a hard thing to accept - it still is. It's been awhile since I've felt so overwhelmed.

But it's these moments - you know, where we realize we're just...human and can't control things - Christ sweeps in to hold us close.

Sometimes He does this with a kind word or a phone call. Sometimes He does this with a friend who steps in and allows you to rest. Sometimes He does this with financial provision or steps in the right direction.

Sometimes it's just the quiet reassurance He's there - and He listens.

Take heart, friends. Look around you. Those disappointments - those failures - those areas you feel lacking...are you letting go? You can't do it. I promise. The more you cling the tighter your grip  - which only means more pain when it's ripped from you.

And if it's one thing I've learned today, it's this: On the heels of me saying, I just can't - Christ sweeps in & says I can.


Posted on September 30, 2010 .