aslan's claws.

"Then the lion said -- but I don't know if it spoke -- 'You will have to let me undress you.' I was afraid of his claws, I can tell you, but I was pretty nearly desperate now. So I just lay flat down on my back to let him do it. "The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off. You know -- if you've ever picked the scab off a sore place. It hurts like billy -- oh but it is such fun to see it coming away."

"I know exactly what you mean," said Edmund.

"Well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off -- just as I thought I'd done it myself the other three times, only they hadn't hurt -- and there it was lying on the grass: only ever so much thicker, and darker, and more knobly-looking than the others had been. And there was I as smooth and soft as a peeled switch and smaller than I had been. Then he caught hold of me -- I didn't like that much for I was very tender underneath now that I'd no skin on -- and threw me into the water. It smarted like anything but only for a moment. After that it became perfectly delicious and as soon as I started swimming and splashing I found that all the pain had gone from my arm. And then I saw why. I'd turned into a boy again."

when i first realized jubilee would be my one word for 2011, i didn't fully understand the significance.

well. i've come to realize, this is no joke.

a friend mentioned jubilee entails freedom & release - she said this with a grin, celebrating the coming year. it's jubilee! it's a celebration...right?

absolutely. but i'm beginning to understand there's no celebration without a victory. for me, this victory would be over my sin.

i need healing. nothing has been more clear these past few months. even today, as i sat with note cards filled with scripture scribbled in haste scattered across my desk, my eyes filled with tears. i am so, so broken. and He is so, so beautiful. and i need Him more than ever.

it's actually kind of incredible, to see how He's prepared me for this moment. allowing me to truly hear words spoken at the Story conference - the importance of honesty [even in the midst of pain] with our art. how this translated itself to a brief counseling session with a former student. how, this thirty minute conversation, seemingly unimportant, led to a month long series where others wrote about playing in their pain - knowing the ultimate Healer beckoned them to wait in His arms while He bandaged their wounds and rebroke their bones in order for them to live right.

i don't see it as a coincidence that this series spoke to my own pain - my own selfishness. i don't see it as a coincidence that through this series God made known to russ & me the next steps - a step of faith even we are still trying to wrap our brains around.

i don't see it as a coincidence that now, i'm recognizing my own dragon skin aching to be peeled away. aslan's claws are waiting, ready - His arms primed for the fight i know i'll give. it's never easy when your sin, possessing a life of its own, sees its own demise. it clings tighter - whispers sweet nothings in your ear trying to make you believe its okay.

but i know better.

trusting myself to aslan's claws may not be safe. it may hurt like hell. but if there's one thing i've come to realize these past few weeks its that just as much as russ & i are pursuing jubilee - just as much as we ache for a union with a child we haven't even met - my Jesus pursues me. he is good. he is faithful.

and in order to understand true jubilee - true freedom & release - there's going to be some battles.

it's a good thing i already know Who will win.

Posted on January 4, 2011 and filed under jubilee.