my soul is starved and hungry, ravenous! insatiable for your nourishing commands. - psalm 119:20 i want to crave God.
i feel stupid admitting this. i should already crave Him. instead of reaching for other things, i should reach for His word when i wake in the morning. instead of spending time listening to random music on my commute, i should listen for what He wants to say - allow my heart time to breathe in His presence.
i don't. and you know what? i'd even be okay with that if i reached for Him at some point within the day. and i may think of verses every now and then - i may close my eyes in brief moment of prayer - but i don't sit and dwell. i don't go deep.
i certainly don't go wide.
this ripping off of ugly is a lot harder than i imagined. i'm grimacing as i write, because i wanted it to be easy. some times, i feel a prick of the pain and i run. i grab what's so easily entangled me and cling to it - afraid of letting go of the thing that's brought me comfort. i sit there, wounded. defeated. i turn furtive glances back to Him, patiently waiting for me to return. i know what i need to do - i know the steps back to Him will be difficult. i know the pruning of what's consumed me will result in heart-holes not easily healed.
i remember His own scars - etched deep, markers of my sin - remnants of a debt paid in full.
and if He died to set me free, and if i wear the title of His daughter, this mess i cling to has already been beaten by a blood-stained tree splintered with His skin.
i must believe this. i must fight the lies, the ill-spun belief i'll never be free.
because the truth is i already am - i can lift my hands in jubilee and know the price is paid - and though i'm dirty and ragged, He loves me anyway.
and this is when i realize the power of His truth. you see, the more i crave His word - the more i read His promises and hold them to my heart - the more i know of His love for me. the easier it is to spot the lies. the more i crave Him, the more i approach His throne of grace with a confidence of receiving His mercy.
so this is the next step. diving deep - going wide. the heart-holes may hurt for a moment, but His love flows deeper than any wounds i receive. this is the beauty of His heart for us: He wants us to be free.
all it takes is for us to crave Him above anything else.