sometimes it's not enough to just rest your head on His chest. this past week, i've found myself beating my hands against His strength, allowing the frustration and hurt time to burn out completely. i'd say i'm in a bit of a transition. i've been broken, crushed, picked apart and stripped. there's nothing of me that exists whole. i'm good most days just to limp along, leaning on Him - trusting that He knows.
and He does.
He knows just how broken i am....
and He still finds me beautiful.
in fact, i'd wager that since last thursday, my beauty has only increased as His hand continues to push down and ravage my weakness. because it's only through crushing that we are made whole.
and i'm not meant to experience this alone. even though i want to - even though every part of me screams to retreat and hide. i was reminded of this on sunday. our pain has a deeper purpose than just our discomfort. and even though every inch of my soul wants to pull out my hair and plea for the hurt to end, i know His purpose is greater. i know now, clinging to Jesus while feeling the waves crash around me is so much greater than floating on perfect seas and relying on myself.
so today, i'm thankful for the community of friends who have rallied around me these past few days. i'm thankful for alece reminding me of my courage when my heart feels anything but fierce and the truth that Healing waits because He is faithful to complete that which He started in us. i'm thankful for prudence and the morning texts - the how are yous and the daily e-mails. i'm thankful for cards in the mail when i need them most and chats where i bare my soul. i'm thankful for jenny and erin - reminding me that no, i'm not crazy and yes, it's okay to be messy. i'm thankful for those who promise not only words of understanding but a shoulder to cry on and arms for rest. i'm thankful for ls - one who reminds me what it truly means to be a prayer warrior. i'm thankful for the hugs and the sent bible verses and the laughter over champagne and fried brie.
i'm thankful for my home - who loves me well despite my brokenness. the Lord knew what He was doing when He placed me with this man - because in the black of night when the stillness reverberates through the empty house, my love holds me as tears fall swift and painful. he is one of the few who fight for me - my valiant hero picking up his sword and going to battle when i can't fight for myself. my heart swells with gratitude that it's his hand i hold through this season.
and i'm thankful for my sisters: soul twins in every way, they come alongside me in the hardest moments, holding my hand and reminding me of our bond. phone conversations, believing in the beauty and speaking through muffled tears, christina and blanche pull me close and refuse to let me hide. even if the memories prove dark - even if the revelations include their own pain.
i'm learning the art of suffering well within community. i'm learning the strength it takes to stare at a screen and admit i'm not okay, that memories take their toll and healing comes slow and deliberate. and while those around me have taken to holding me up and helping me walk, i know it is He who heals my heart. the One who crushed me will be the One who repairs - and no matter how long the process, i will do my best to sit still and let the Master work. it is He who was there so many years ago, battling for me when no one else knew.
and it is He who is here now, taking the pieces of me with tears streaming down both our cheeks, who truly knows the pain i hold.
Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today You will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still. - Exodus 14:13-14
And me? I'm a mess. I'm nothing and have nothing: make something of me. You can do it; you've got what it takes - but God, don't put it off. - Psalm 40:17