beloved list.

i etched it into lines on paper, the black ink seeping through the other side. someone who keeps this dreaming heart grounded it said. i smiled when i wrote it, thinking of days where one would hold my face in his hands and keep me grounded by saying things like "i believe in you" or "stop worrying."

and he says these things. constantly.

but earlier this week, he said something that brought me rushing back to the present and into his arms.

on tuesday, i walked into the therapist's office for the first time. i sat there, my heart tripping over itself, and told her things i've never spoken out loud. bringing them to light brought tears and heaviness. a weighty glory settled deep in my bones and i knew what happened was good and part of His plan to heal me. this didn't change the hurt, though. it didn't change the horror of experiencing again the moment you first saw the dark deep.

on wednesday, i fought the urge. i fought running and i fought numbing and i fought everything i've ever done to get the memories away. we sat in the car that night, my hands shaking with cold and tears thawing lines down the frozen parts of my cheeks. "i just don't feel courageous" i said. "i don't know how to do this. i don't know how to ask you what i need. i don't know how to handle the chaos." i glanced at him furtively and whispered my next plea. "i just need you to say you won't go anywhere."

his chest expanded with purpose. the lines on his face set firm and he held my gaze. squeezing my hand, he nodded. "you know i'm not going anywhere."

the dam broke. heart exploding, i sat there with my head bent low - the tears of hope and relief spilling over on my jacket, my jeans. and my words fell like a leaky faucet. "it just hurts so. much." he breathes deep and exhales slow. "i know, love."

and i'm thrust into a completely different element of knowing. earlier, i ached to be known but feared the touch. now, laid bare before my love, i drank deep of his strength keeping me here - anchoring me.

oh how i love this one who keeps me grounded i thought. and then a small smile played at the corner of my lips. isn't love like that? isn't His love like that? everything we hoped for and nothing we expected - He holds us gently and whispers solid.

later that night, my home will pull me tight against his chest and bury his head in my neck whispering i love you in a way only i can decipher. i'll walk away blushing from the knowing - from the realization of his fighting for my heart. and even though my heart is still tattered, even though i wake with a start in the early morning with the deep bone ache of memory's kiss, in that moment i feel treasured by my beloved and silently thank the One who gave him to me.

Posted on February 11, 2011 and filed under fluttering pulses.