i opened my eyes slowly this morning. for the first time in over a week, my heart resisted the knowing. i stared out the window, listening to the howling of winter's fury. it matched my own thoughts swirling in my head and the boom of my heart pulsating violently against my rib cage.
i thought we were done with pain! she cried. this morning, my heart doesn't show the maturity of a 28 year old. this morning, her fists beat against me in fear and anger and trembling like that of a two year old. i thought we were done...
i try to push back the tears but am not successful. closing my eyes, i pray for some type of release, some type of rescue. i know the exhaustion goes deeper than my bones because i see it in my eyes. i recognize the look all too well - it's a rebreaking. i think back to conversations i've had where the worst isn't over fell over me like a warning. my heart points with blame to the voice belonging to one asking me to relive - to remember. the same one asked me why i came, why i sat across from her on the couch, why i had a hard time breathing deep and why i took to shredding tissue i grabbed walking in the door.
i'm finding it hard to put one foot in front of the other, i said.
and then she told me i needed to remember in order to be free.
so here i sit, aching all over and not knowing what to do. learning how to walk again proves difficult when before you were knocked to your knees. i want to shake my fists in anger. i want to crawl into His lap and cry. i want to run away and not have to face this anymore - even if it means living numb.
but i know this was me last week - numb. and i know these past few days have been sweet and resting in His embrace restored my ability to feel. i don't find it a coincidence that as i walked back to my car yesterday afternoon i felt more alive than i had in quite awhile. but it was a different kind of alertness pulsing through my veins.
it was my heart awakening to pain.
for my whole life, i've allowed my heart's eyes to open and see those hurting. i've had an automatic empathy with deep brokenness. probably because i sensed it in myself but wasn't willing to look. heal my heart and make it clean, open up my eyes to the things unseen means something completely different when it's your heart going through the cleansing process of the Refiner's fire. your eyes see something altogether beautiful and grotesque when they turn inward on the hidden wounds that left unchecked, turn into slums of the heart.
this is when you know only He can bind your wounds. this is when you realize this High Priest who knows our weakness and experienced rejection on the deepest level is not ignorant of the harsh reality we live. and sitting here, heart quieting down to a dull roar, i understand that He waits for me to catch His eye.
Let me help you. Let me hold you through this. I know this pain - I know the haunting.
and this help He's so willing to give washes over me and even though the pain still rages, and even though my weakness shines, i walk forward bearing His strength as He takes my heart and holds it gingerly against His chest.