not in part but the whole

lately, the words don't come easy. perhaps it's a bit of a reprieve, my thoughts refusing to peek their edges out for me to see. perhaps it's my own sense of grasping for relief during a month of tutorials, test-driven data and tremendous pressure placed on the shoulders of mere humans who happen to run a classroom. perhaps it's a season of waiting - in more ways than one - for the right words to come along. whatever the case, i find i have plenty to say but no way to say it.

i've been reading ann voskamp's one thousand gifts these past few weeks, and i find i need to put it down from time to time in order to fully process the truth behind the beauty. right now, i'm stuck on goodness. particularly, His goodness in light of tragedy or pain or struggle or doubt. she says "could it be my pain, my dark - all the world's pain, all the world's dark - it might actually taste sweet to the tongue, be the genesis of new life?"

i haven't gotten past this paragraph.

in so many ways this is confirmation for the season in which i find myself - broken, hurting, trusting - there is something sacred in knowing your pain is not wasted. it would do me good to hear this reminder daily.

this pain is not for my benefit but for His glory - for His restoration.

and so it brings me to this wordless struggle of complete acceptance and hesitant fear. right now, in the midst of what i face, i sense His goodness. i see it. i may not know the genesis of new life He will bring me to, but i can feel the remnants of His breaking beginning to heal. slowly.

but if there's anything i've learned through this past month through focusing on jubilee and seeking recovery, it's that His purpose remains: even in the hard. and if His purpose remains even in the hardest moment, this means there will be more hard moments and how my heart shrinks back from that truth. it's probably where my words have hidden - safe inside - because my heart? she's done with the hurting now thankyouverymuch and the possibility of more just brings apprehension and frustration.

but He's good. not safe, but good.

i remind my heart daily...hourly...minute by minute. i want to nail it down. i want every part of me to know the truth of this statement. and as much as i fear the unknown, i really do want to learn the gift of counting all things as joy - even in the face of suffering.

[my heart didn't like that statement, by the way. she beats double time because she knows.]

so i'll begin slowly. looking at Him and loving Him not in part but the whole because this is what He did for me.

my one thousand gifts list:

0001: cold mornings where snuggling is a necessity 0002: quiet classrooms and peaceful hallways slowly coming to life 0003: waking up to kisses and eyes that know me well 0004: warm coffee 0005: sun peeking through the clouds creating rainbows of color on icy windshields 0006: the thought of seeing my King for the first time 0007: broken voices, singing all out in anticipation of complete wholeness in His city 0008: hands that hold my own 0009: text messages making my heart flip 0010: authenticity

what are some gifts you can be thankful for today?

Posted on February 1, 2011 .