falling hammer.

i sat on her couch, eyes focused on the sunlight streaming through the blinds on the window. "you mentioned working on your timeline - did you remember anything else?"

my breath caught for a quick second before reaching into my bag to pull out my journal. remembering. the word held such depth these days. i thought about moments where i'd remember a hand reaching for my own or arms pulling me close - moments where i felt safe. loved. these pictures flashing through my mind juxtaposed the words scrawled on the lined paper.

i told her how shame surprises me by violently overcoming any emotion. i stumbled over stories of me eyes closing tight against the pain pounding against my chest - my heart beating in tune to the wave of memory assaulting my senses. i told her about the dirtiness - about feeling trapped. i told her of the overwhelming fear.

i told her all this, but i felt nothing.

her forehead wrinkled in concern. "this must be devastating," she said.

i nodded my head and forced a smile. meeting her gaze i could feel the tears surfacing.

"yeah" i whispered.  i wrapped my arms around my chest, grabbing my elbows and digging deep with my nails. i thought about this past month - the deep dark and the shattering joy. i waited for the weighty crushing of glory - His hand smoothing rough edges against sharp stone.

i stayed like this for an hour - rehashing nightmares and learning of body memories. the ripping grew vast with this knowledge. before, i felt there were some areas where i was safe from memory's kiss. now i knew even my body was against me and there would be moments where i'd want to shave off my skin save feeling the pain of a soft touch jolting awake memories i never knew existed.

walking through the door at home, i collapsed against my love's chest, speaking what i could and shaking my head against what i couldn't yet voice. "i wasn't ready to process this," i said.

he rubs my arms and kisses my forehead. "i know, love." he doesn't know this, but simply holding me against memory's rush does wonders for my wounded heart. i breathe deep and muscles lose their tension. for a brief moment, i stop waiting for the hammer to fall.

Posted on March 4, 2011 .