for the past few weeks, i've read the posts of five minute friday over at Gypsy Mama's site. i've loved some of the prompts, and a lot of the posts were catalysts in my own writing whether in my journal or here on my blog. for some reason, i never got around to posting my own five minute friday because i either already had one scheduled or i was recovering from surgery or i just forgot. today, i didn't forget. i'm taking the time to set aside five minutes and allowing myself the freedom to just write and not worry if it's just right. click the button above to read all the posts and to join in on the fun.
yesterday morning rose with emotions just under the surface of my heart. i ate my cereal with as much stoicism as i could muster, but i knew it wouldn't last long. the rawness i experienced these past few weeks seemed to overflow in everything and i knew there was nothing i could do - i couldn't escape feeling.
it's one thing to realize you've relied on numbing mechanisms to get through life and it's something entirely different to awaken yourself to the pain lying underneath. in recovery, i'm teetering on the brink of step 4, and one of the biggest reasons i've avoided the personal inventory and laying bare my faults and failures is because well, vulnerability scares the hell out of me.
but i'm learning the beauty in pain. and i'm learning the price of vulnerability in our relationship with Christ means a whole lotta tears and an extra dose of humility. it's not easy finding pride in your insecurities. the bitter pill goes down fighting when you finally understand repentance, until now, has looked an awful lot like contempt rearing its ugly head.
allowing yourself the time to waken to pain is hard. it hurts. but i'm finally understanding the process, even if i fight it every step of the way.