i'm beginning to see it. before the earth folded across the waters by His hand, He knew me. before the sun dangled by an invisible thread, before the birds took flight, His heart broke for me.
even though no one else took up the fight, He stood solid. when my chest weighed heavy and my eyes couldn't find rest and i had no idea why, He held my hand.
and when the dark grew deep, and when my heart shattered into pieces i would only begin to pick up twenty-five years later, He didn't turn His head.
i know these things. search my journals from the past fifteen years, and you'll find a girl who didn't know why it hurt so much. i didn't even know what it was until recently. at least i wasn't ready to admit it. in high school, i learned of Him being our refuge, and the idea struck a chord so rich that i've never let it go. my Refuge. my Safety. my Protector.
the other week, we spoke of His love at church. it was the beginning of a period of time where i felt windwhipped by His presence - not only does He love me, He chose me.
you have to understand, this is difficult for me to process. me, the dirty one? me, the messy one? me, the one who runs from feeling and lived detached for years without even realizing it? trusting isn't just an issue i "struggle" with - the wrestling goes deep to pain i have yet to truly swallow. i'm just now realizing love and manipulation don't go hand-in-hand.
and He wants...ME???
yes. YOU...He whispers this in my ear and i have no other reaction but to fall on my knees. and this is where He woos me gently and irrevocably. this is where He paints a picture of Him searching the earth for me - the orphan. this is where He reminds me, as He pulls me into His lap, that i am orphan no more - even with the brokenness.
i'll be the first to say it. this year hasn't been the best. i think back these past few months and have to breathe deep from everything that's happened. emotional upheaval, counseling sessions, emergency health scares...there is no element of control. none. and you know what? there's no where else i'd rather be, really. because for the first time, i've begun to realize that in all things He is the only One who can heal me.
and for the first time, i'm beginning to understand He wants me - even in my mess.