some days it's just hard to give thanks. my eyes droop before i even leave the house, the chill in the air causes an altogether different kind of heaviness in my chest, and i drive in silence thinking of hurting friends and a fallen world.
these are days i begin writing a post and hit backspace about twenty times before either giving up or finding my rhythm.
today is one of those days.
do i have reason to be thankful? absolutely. a good friend got in a wreck friday night and walked away shaken and sore. my new position that starts in august is beginning to pick up steam with trainings and new laptops and excitement from students about instruction. i met with my sponsor yesterday afternoon and once again was overwhelmed by His steady hand keeping me upright since january.
but none of these take away the truth that i am just so tired.
i'm tired of hurting. i'm tired of crying. i'm tired of talking about it and i'm tired of working through it. i'm tired of my friends dealing with sin and i'm tired of other friends going through pain i wouldn't inflict on my worst enemy.
and i'm tired with my inability to cope.
it all comes down to this: i'm not okay. and although i realize His ability to heal me, i know i am not yet healed. once again, i'm hit with the truth that it's okay to not be okay.
i keep thinking of easter. in a few weeks, we'll get dressed up and travel to church and sing songs about His redemption and overcoming the grave. growing up, i never realized the importance of the cross. i knew about it and believed it, but easter was more about bunnies and pastel colors and nice dresses.
the older i get, the more potent His death becomes. the power of this story - of Him reaching into dirty and digging into our mess and redeeming our deepest hurts - i need it today. i need to remember His ability to make all things new. my God's in the business of restoration and this morning i feel like a need an extra dose.