quiet heart.

my heart's been quiet lately.
normally, this scares me. i worry my words will disappear or that i'm on the brink of an emotional upheaval.
but lately? there's just been open space where words and thoughts tumble about inside.
and i'm okay with it.
i think it's because i'm beginning to understand these words really have nothing to do with me. i can pound my fingers against keys and close my eyes willing sentences to make sense but it means nothing if what i've written doesn't point to the One who gave me breath and life and story.
so i'm lacking in the word department. i'm taking the time to sink deep and lean in - allowing Him to inspire me in new ways. i know there's still much to be done in my heart, still a lot of questions swimming around inside. but i can wrestle while living, and i think this is what He's calling me to do right now. live.
because right now what i'm wrestling the most is fear.
fear of failure.
fear of success.
fear of disappointment.
fear of rejection
fear of the unknown.
fear of not being worth it.
fear of being too much.
there's a lot to swallow in the tiny pill of fear - a lot of razor sharp lies. if i'm ever truly going to experience jubilee i have to stare these lies in the face. the fear of man only leads us to more shackles and brick walls.
and from what i've learned of my Father this year, i know more shackles and brick walls aren't in His plan for me. someday, i'll experience true freedom. until then, i'll run hard and fast towards the Truth.
it's the only way i know how to face the lies.

so much shouting, so much  laughter

Posted on April 14, 2011 and filed under jubilee.