i began running today. perhaps i should clarify. i began running in the right direction today.
over the past few months, one of the most common things friends have said is "elora, you are so strong. so courageous. you know this, right?"
here's my answer: no. i didn't know. in fact, you say i'm courageous but i feel scared.
you tell me i'm strong but i've never felt weaker.
every day i fight the battle of running. some days i lose. some days it's hand-to-mouth coping and without even realizing it, i've reverted back to old coping mechanisms. chocolate and fruit and starch and carbs and coke and coffee and anything i can reach...and as my head hits the pillow, i fight the feeling of defeat.
because once again, i failed. i avoid the mirror those days.
honestly today was no different. i struggled just as much and my heart wrestled with my memories with as much severity as the very first day.
but today, i tried running. i tried reminding myself of the rhythm of feet pounding the treadmill. and those moments i thought i just couldn't do it anymore...i ran anyway.
deep-breath by aching deep-breath.
i felt myself distancing from the pain. the anger fell loose and my tears stayed inside.
for once, i ran the hurt into the ground. and even though i just started, i felt a little bit more free.