i got another desire chip last night at recovery. i've debated writing about this process a lot. not because i'm ashamed, because i'm not. but there's a certain level of frustration and a constant level of wrestling with fear and failure - especially when you've been working at something for four months and have yet to truly make a change.
but i know that's a lie.
i'm not sure what i thought would happen when i showed up for the first time in january. i know it wasn't a splitting-open of memory. i remember taking that first chip - knowing something was shifting in my heart. but there is no magic button. i at least knew that much going into this. i at least knew there was going to be resistance from one who wants to see me fail - who wants to see my bondage tighten and my sin-skin thicken.
it's amazing how hard our isaac's fight to get off the altar, and mine is no different.
i'm not sure why it's so difficult for me to grasp the freedom available. i've reasoned a lot. i've wagered and compromised and given up the Creator for what He's created. i'm selfish.
and there have been moments where i think i've nailed it - where the whispers aren't as loud and the pain not as fierce. the need to stuff things deep to keep them hidden and unavailable doesn't permeate every thought. for brief moments, i think maybe this is it. then the spark of memory lights fire to the brokenness and i'm back on my knees.
but i'm trying. i feel aslan's claws, tenderly peeling away another level of this dragon skin - and it hurts, and i resist - but i know His touch will heal. it has to - because He's molding me in His image.
so last night, with knees shaking and heart bent low, i got my third desire chip. it would be really easy for me to see this as step one - a do over. for the third time, i've messed up. for the third time, i admitted failure. but like i said earlier, to think God hasn't done anything in my life is a lie.
four months ago, i wouldn't be writing about this. four months ago, i didn't even realize the extent of my brokenness. four months ago, i assumed i would fly through the 12-steps. four months ago, i fought for the appearance of having it all together.
not only am i willing to share my story, i know it's what God is asking me to do. not only am i aware of my brokenness, i embrace it - without the brokenness, He couldn't heal me. not only are the 12-steps a process, it's a journey. and for me, this journey seems to be longer than others. and i'm slowly learning that it's okay to not be okay.
i'm letting Him move and clinging to the truth that He makes all things new.