needing lovely.

sometimes the blinking cursor scares me. i do not come lightly to the blank page or screen because i don't know what words are going to fall out when i begin. like wednesday? sitting down to write, i had no plans to share some of my story. i didn't even share the darkest parts and i still trembled while my fingers crashed against the keys.

same with today.

i've been thinking a lot about my need for lovely things. sounds weird, doesn't it? lovely things are...lovely. but somewhere in these last few weeks i've realized how {un}lovely i feel. i explained to a friend the other day that most times i feel as if i'm an oompa loompa tripping over her words instead of a daughter of the King. and i know the source - i know it's because when i was young the place in every girl's heart where she knows herself to be a princess cracked and never healed. so now, twenty five years later, i'm picking up the pieces and looking at them in a different light. i feel like a two-year old overwhelmed by her mama's make-up collection and scared by the reflection in the mirror: lipstick smeared over her face, eyeshadow clumped on her cheeks, mascara streaking across her forehead.

but i'm trying.

up until now, this space has been pretty random. i'd fight for words just to get it done - just to have the bold date on my calendar signifying a published post. a few weeks ago, i began to feel the pull toward lovely and true and feminine. i realized my story speaks to the very heart of a woman: our fears, our failures, our worth. and while there may be posts speaking of africa {because it's become my second home and where my heart currently rests} for the most part, i've realized my purpose here is to tackle the shadows of femininity and bring them to light. because in all of my liberal tendencies, i've run from domesticity and nesting and mommy-hood when in actuality, this is where my heart sings.

so i got lauren lankford to redesign my blog and i asked her to make it pretty. she had no idea the storm happening in my heart, and when i saw the final product i cried. it sounds silly - just like my earlier statement of "needing lovely" - but when the lights go out and i'm awake in bed, i place my hand on russ' side so i can feel him breathing. i then close my eyes and listen. and over the past few weeks, i've heard nothing but i-love-you from a King who knows beauty. and the tears start to fall, because you don't mean me. you must mistake this for someone else - i'm not beautiful, you see? i'm not lovely....

and then His hand rests on my chin and He pulls me so close i can feel His breath.

yes, my daughter, i do mean you. and it's time for you to believe it.

so with wobbly knees and shaky speech, i'm choosing to believe. i know there will be hard days and i know the healing process will continue to be grueling, but i'm not the little girl in the big girl heels anymore. i'm not the two-year old dabbling in her mama's makeup. my need for lovely isn't based in some twisted fight for approval - it's accepting the desires so hidden in my feminine heart they're scared to make an appearance. but they're peeking out, taking stock of what's around and slowly showing their faces.

and for once, i'm beginning to feel less like an oompa loompa tripping over her words. for once, i'm beginning to see myself as a daughter of the King - lovely. beautiful. protected. cherished.

even in the darkest moments - even when my words spill out scared.

Posted on May 13, 2011 and filed under this-here blog.