some morning dawn crisp and cool - a promise of a new beginning etched across the sky. others, regardless of the weather, begin with a groan and a prayer. friday was one of those days.
i woke up with the ache of empty arms. the paperwork left in our adoption seemed untouchable - almost impossible. time hasn't been a friend lately, and days i hope to stay up later than normal to get some work done i crash into bed before ten o'clock. plus, i was going to need to cancel my appointment with my therapist because we just didn't have the money. i drove to work heavy-hearted and discouraged. i didn't want to give thanks. instead, i worried.
i worried about the red numbers in our bank account vs. the needed money for our adoption. i worried about russ' car - needing expensive repair. i worried about the student loans and the credit cards and the doctor bills. i worried about gas prices and commuting. i worried about russ finding private dinners during the summer when he's not paid. i worried about never finishing my manuscript. i worried about people not reading it.
there's a funny thing about human nature: we like to think we can do it all ourselves. looking at the impossibilities, i started scheming. what if i got a second job? is there anything else we can sell? i started wishing. if only we could pay off these debts - we'd have so much more flexibility. i started compromising.
i spent all day wavering between a false hope and bitter disappointment. and although my emotions are important, the wavering reminded me of being tossed about in the waves. i forgot about the one truth that echoes itself through history -
so this is where i'm choosing to stand today - in the shift of His grace. in that moment where common grace explodes into the saving grace of our King - and He reminds us all is lost outside the shadow of the cross.
0091: text messages from jesse & devonte wishing me a happy mother's day 0092: late night car rides under the big texas sky 0093: nights spent on the porch with my love 0094: the consistency of the ice cream truck's commute, joining in the eccentric soundtrack of our neighborhood 0095: words 0096: God's grace in spite of me and my unbelief 0097: empty arms on mother's day pulling my heart toward ethiopia 0098: quiet mornings spent in my classroom 0099: communing with close friends over tex-mex and gooey donuts worth waiting for 0100: naps on sweltering may afternoons 0101: waking up before the alarm 0102: a taste of my children's land every morning - a reminder of the wait 0103: 17 days of school left 0104: canceled appointment being a reminder i'm still not okay - and resting in this truth 0105: finding new trust in His provision for our adoption - remembering in His time, not ours 0106: chatting with friends via the interwebs - knowing community despite distance
what are you thankful for today, despite your circumstance?
also, we've started fundraising for our adoption. check out year of jubilee for more info.