i started writing this morning but quickly trashed it - realizing the words falling on the keyboard weren't really the ones stuffed deep inside. hiding behind them, i almost didn't see it. i almost continued on without really paying attention and expected my point to be made clear. only until i paused long enough did i understand what i wrote didn't match the feelings and the questions and doubt. it's been a rough few weeks. i feel like i've said that a lot this year. maybe it's just been a rough year? i'm not sure exactly how to qualify pursuing jubilee and falling flat on your face with the past.
it's no matter. six months in, i'm understanding the process. i'm embracing my story - the pain and the triumph - and realizing only until i hold in my hands those pieces of my brokenness will i be able to let it go.
so that's where i'm at right now. picking up those pieces - examining them - holding them to the Light so i can really see. sometimes the Truth comes in waves and i'm able to ride the current a little easier. other times, like right now, even the most innocent conversations can trigger something deep in my heart and i'm forced bite my lip to keep from screaming at my own doubt.
but He's here. and that's one of the things i've learned in pursuing jubilee. when you ask for healing - when you keep your eyes focused on the Truth in the storm of lies, He meets you in the midst of the pain. this Love comes in the form of a friend showing up at the perfect time - heart misunderstood and tender with disappointment. it comes in a song echoing across your life - reminding you of His grace and mercy wrapping around you, a wind-whipped tree in the middle of a hurricane. i've even experienced His romancing in the middle of a theatre - soaked in Beauty and chaos - tears falling at His sovereignty and love.
it's His quiet reminders of restoration and promise. it's the reminder we aren't alone and He is with us. and most importantly - it's the sweet breath of jubilee - pursuing me and loving me - mess and all.