a small piece

i've been working on my eBook for a week now, and i'm really excited about where it's going. i decided to give you a small peek - it's a labor of love, for sure. in writing it i've realized just how much God's been moving me to this moment these past few months. i can't wait to finish and let you guys read it.  ---

here’s a secret i’ve learned: we need to love our little girls well. 

and no, i’m not talking about daddy issues or fights with mom. i’m talking about the little girl hiding inside so many of us - bruised, bloodied, broken and used - afraid of showing her face because the only thing her heart has ever known is rejection.

i ignored her for years. i heard her - i knew she was there. she often showed up in memories and questions left unanswered. sometimes, she’d raise her hand weakly in the middle of an argument - begging for me to pay attention to the feeling of invisibility. but i’m learning her now. i’m allowing her the space to breathe.

even though the restructuring hurts; because, usually, giving her space to breathe is allowing her space to grieve.

recently, my husband and i started going to recovery - a twelve step program built around Gospel truths. walking through the door on the first night, i knew i needed help with emotional eating. within a week of completing my first step, i came to the sudden realization that not only was my life out of my control, it was in pieces - completely broken. crushed. destroyed.

in giving the the little girl time and space to breathe and joining her in agreement to the hurtful words said - the grieving process took on a completely different role. 

as soon as i admitted to myself and the little girl inside those words did hurt and they were wrong, other memories came flooding through the cracks of my heart. only when i recognized the pain and the brokenness of the little girl inside was i able to see the complete picture of what her heart - my heart - endured.

before we love ourselves - before we can find beauty within - we have to find beauty in the brokenness of the girl inside. 

and let me say something right here: you can do this. your heart - however fragile - is resilient enough in His grace to take you through whatever pain needs healed.

regardless of what cracks are waiting to be exposed, i’ve learned we’re given exactly what we need right now

i’m proof of this.

in the middle of adoption paperwork, writing a book, standardized testing, health scares, new job responsibilities and lesson plans - God broke me in order to set me right.

i think about this past year. the hurt, the anger, the questions, the doubt, the joy, the pain, the breaking and remolding only to be broken again…

and i know He’s refining me. i know the violent beauty of His wooing results in my freedom and healing. but what then? even in the midst of my pain – even if my past becomes the thorn in my side i’ll never escape from – what’s the purpose of these trials here on earth?

this is where the hope keeps. because in the midst of our pruning a greater story takes place – one of redemption and purpose.

that’s when i feel the rush of His whisper against my cheek – the warmth of His hand leading me into His presence.

My purpose for you waits within your greatest pain, child. rest in Me. believe in my Story for you.

and i think of the Cross – of the fabric-splitting grief and the grittiness of new life. i really have no other choice but to believe.

and so i do.

so can you.

and you must.

 

i'm writing with emily's imperfect prose, join us? 

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Posted on July 6, 2011 .