when He tenderly speaks.

Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her. Hosea 2:14 it was in the middle of a darkened theatre i felt Him romance me.

a couple weeks ago i went and saw tree of life with some friends. i had no idea what to expect; i only knew the people who sat next to me lived on the street in smithville where the movie was filmed. the lady next to me tried to make conversation. i just am so excited to see our houses! on the big screen! she said and i smiled and nodded and said the proper "that's nice" as expected when talking to others who are experiencing some type of second-hand notoriety. inside though, i felt like breaking into a thousand tiny pieces of myself and hiding.

it'd been a rough week, and i was having to grapple with some truths about my heart that were difficult to swallow. namely: my anger. i've never been an angry person but that week i felt the white-hot monster creep into my vision more times than i was comfortable. and so as the movie began, i was breathing deep and praying for grace and fighting back tears because i just threw a bag of candy at my husband and yelled at him for no good reason. i felt like a failure.

but then i got lost in the film about a family dealing with their own devastation and i connected on so many levels to their questioning. and it started in the back of my mind - this soft voice whispering i loved you even then and my heart started beating faster and my stomach started flipping on itself and it hit me. the full force power of His love washing over my pain. and i didn't want to break into a thousand pieces anymore. suddenly, i wanted to twirl and sing and dance and laugh through the tears because my God loves me.

oh how He loves me. 

even in my deepest human stain - His grace sustains me.

and before the beginning of time, before He stretched the mountains across the oceans and hung the sun in the sky, He knew me and my pain....and He loved me still. 


Posted on July 7, 2011 .