there's within my heart a melody, Jesus whispers sweet and low... i woke up with my heart all twisted. all day long, i've resisted. the anchored feeling of finding quiet and seeking Him, listening and waiting - it was just too much. too scary. too vulnerable. because of the beckoning, i feared. because of the deep-rooted sense of come near i felt compelled to run the opposite direction. i didn't want the pruning. i didn't want the pulling back of another layer. even if it was just the beginning - the small fold in preparation for the complete reveal of old made new.
i wish there was an accurate way to describe these layers - a built in safety net worth years of hiding. and now that He's urging me forward, bringing me to jubilee, i'm experiencing the fullness of life. even in struggle. even in pain.
even in red scribbles twenty years too late.
and as i sat there tonight, eyes puffy from the stripping away, i heard the soft hum of a heart whispering her worship - a reminder to sit. rest. breathe. it's only in these moments is she truly able to unwind and let out her wrinkled parts - the ones bent and warped by time.
fear not I am with you, peace be still...in all of life's ebb and flow.
i can't even begin to express how difficult this year has been for me. in so many ways i just want it all to be over. the whole "process" of recovery, the twelve steps, the tears, the continuous realization of how broken i am...
but ohmigoodness the fellowship i've experienced with the Lover of my soul. it's breathtaking and worth every tear - knowing He's holding them gently in His hand.
i feel HIm pulling me toward a closer walk. more reflection. more journaling. more questioning. more intimacy.
and in so many ways my reluctant heart squirms cause she knows there's surgery involved. in every moment it seems too much, a calm centers me. peace, My child, i hear and i rest. sometimes it still hurts. sometimes, like tonight, i'm blindsided by His healing touch - a swift removal of pain stuck and festering for years. other times it's more gentle - a slight tug until i'm on my knees.
but every moment i'm left humbled and joining my heart in her song.
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus - sweetest name i know fills my every longing - keeps me singing as i go.