starting again.

i balanced my phone against my ear and reached for my iced latte. the voice on the other end of the line slightly chuckled. "so uh...what's this i hear about you training for a marathon?"

cue more laughter - a disdainful sniff.

i stiffened as i noticed the sarcasm. "it's not a marathon - i'm training for a 5k. a little over three miles." almost immediately the questions started to surface - really? a 5k? am i crazy?

you don't even like to sweat the voices inside my head replied to the questions and i bit my lip against the doubt.

"well i mean...that's still a long distance. do you have a program?"

i answered the questions and listened to suggestions - but my heart couldn't get past the unbelief.

i started my couch to 5k training about two weeks prior and while i wasn't as consistent as i wanted to be, i was working toward a goal - and i felt good after i finished the workouts. i believed in myself and that was the most important in getting past the discomfort of one foot in front of the other.

but this conversation...it was a dream killer. with a few short sentences, my heart shut a door - afraid to risk this one thing. i almost even took it off my bucket list but couldn't - i've wanted to accomplish this for so long i couldn't ignore the pull. i started bargaining - thinking perhaps i'd "build up my strength" to running.

i haven't run in five months. i think about the conversation and it's power over me and it bothers me.

i want to run.

i go to townlake and watch runners pass me - breathing deep and concentrating on just. one. more. step. and i envy their ability to block all else out instead of their body's movement. there's something incredibly peaceful about hearing the slap of your feet against pavement or treadmill or track. the pain and stress and worry just seems to peel itself off as you go further and deeper than you ever imagined. there's freedom in running - and this freedom is something my heart is craving lately.

so i'm starting again.

it may take awhile. it may seem impossible to others. they may laugh and point fingers and there will definitely be days where i feel like giving up because it's just too hard.

but something i've learned in my recovery is that nothing is too big for the One who heals.

*photo credit

Posted on August 18, 2011 .