i felt word heavy today - unable to process all of the thoughts pushing and shoving each other in order to get first rank. i met with my sponsor this morning and stumbled over words as i tried to explain how emotional i've been lately - how borderline bipolar i've felt with the vacillating numbness and fear and anger and splitting open of my emotions. and i realized somewhere in the middle of that conversation that i don't really know myself. not really.
six months ago, i sat in my therapist's office for the first time. she told me we're going to need to work on identity - specifically who you are as a child of Christ. and at first i kind of balked because really? i think i know who i am thankyouverymuch.
but then she explained the tendency of hiding. in a few sentences, she defined my life by phrases like fear of intimacy and walking behind a mask. i knew she was on to something, even though i hated admitting it. how many times did i bite my lip in front of others in order to be accepted? how many times did i change and mold myself to who others wanted me to be instead of the me i knew in my heart was waiting to be released?
and as i sat with my sponsor this morning, i thought about recovery last week and me talking about how i felt as if He was prepping me for another layer of my dragon skin to be peeled away. i've been resistant - knowing the pain will be swift but severe.
but oh the hope that waits on the other side.
because these layers He's stripping from me are masks set so delicately and firmly in place - hiding me from the rest of the world. for the past 29 years this has been what's protected me - what's attempted to keep me safe from the fear of disappointment and the idol of approval. but i can't be honest with layers of lies piled on top of me.
so He peels them off - one by one. all the while whispering to me who i am in Him - introducing me to the elora i've never known.