There must be rest. I struggle to rest. It’s not something I run to...though I ache for the stillness. The me that says I always have to be doing to be good doesn’t understand sitting still. A stop in the flow of production means loss of productivity and loss of productivity means the value lessens--my value lessens.
It’s backwards, I know. But this is the way I have lived for as long as I can remember. It’s no wonder I walked around high school holding my breath, never letting my steady shield down...to rest meant a chance to fail.
But in this creative life mixed with the everyday life, the constant go ties tight the chains...until I’m undone.
There must be rest. I’m slowly learning this.
But how, I ask, do I rest? How do I live this creative life in between the everyday life of bouncing babies, running errands, mouths to feed, and relationships to nurture? When my retreat is a walk-in closet with a desk and shelves filled with a reflection of the chaos behind the door, how? How do I feed my soul with food art? To breathe when everything in me says, Just keep going.
Rest is hard, but I do not want to be one of those left in the desert. I do not want the hardness of my heart to prevent me from resting in the beauty and joy of the Promised Land. And so God speaks.
And he’s been speaking pretty loud, from knocks on the door to notes falling from pages to the words I read. Everywhere. Everywhere he is whispering rest.
Ever so slowly I’m learning...
It’s not up to me.
Rest is not something I can give myself, I receive it. Rest is not a place I get to, it’s a state of being.
Rest is relinquishing myself to the One who has been good enough. Rest is taking hold of the Creator’s hand and walking bravely forward into a land full of Promise.
Jessica is a recovering perfectionist, a sojourner without a place to call home (at least in this world). She often writes about meeting Jesus in the chaos, pursuing freedom, how an abiding life is a beautiful life, and fleshing out fears.
Wife to a seminarian and mother to two boys, Jess spends her days at home reminding herself she's raising the next generation when dirty diapers and nap rebellions take their toll. She's a sinner saved by grace and redemption is her favorite word.