{day 10} allowing chaos to sit a spell

and we will only love our story to the degree that we see the glory that seeps through our most significant shattering. to see that glory,  we must enter into and read our tragedies with confidence that they will end up better than we could ever imagine - dan allender

i wish i could tell you how far i've come.

i think you can probably tell - especially if you've been here for awhile. my writing doesn't just skim surface anymore, but attempts those moments where words are few. it started in africa, i think. coming face-to-face with brokenness mixed with beauty, there was some kind of realization that welled up in my heart.

you really can bring chaos into your art. 

this is the biggest difference between then and now. i mean, i still have days - just ask russ. but. for the most part, i'm allowing those chaotic moments time to breathe.

now that i think about it, i probably have a lot to thank russ for - he was the one who showed me the dishes in the sink and the mess on the counter didn't have to be cleaned immediately. i could sit. breathe him in - snuggle and talk and know full well those dishes would be waiting when i was ready but for now i had the privilege of relishing the beauty of where my life found me - at home in my love's arms.

but this post isn't aimed at being sentimental. if anything, it's an acknowledgment that yes my life is chaotic right now and no i don't know how to handle it but i'm going to go ahead and decide to sit in it for a spell. 

because hopefully i'll learn something for my story.

and the e-mails might not all be answered and the curveballs will still come and wreck the peace and i may drink more coffee than i need

but, despite the chaos i know this: in those moments where i feel like i'm about to fall under and the only thing i can do is crawl in bed and cover my head with my sheets, my love grabs my hand and whispers, are you okay? 

and no matter the pain that revisited or the to-do-list growing or my fear of failure, i always smile because i hear his voice and i remember

my life is beautiful. 

Posted on October 10, 2011 and filed under finding{and telling}your story.