learning to {abide}

a year ago, i claimed a word as my own. it came to me first. driving down the freeway and talking with a friend on the phone, jubilee hit me square in the chest and wouldn't let go.

it's been there ever since - pushing, nudging, pursuing.

and much like this word, my word for 2012 came to me early. i knew it when i saw it, and i hesitated when i felt the familiar weight settle in my chest. i knew it was taking up residence - pushing around old things and making room for new lessons on trust and vulnerability and healing.

i resisted - and when i resisted i knew i had no other choice but to accept the word as my own.

i've come to realize jubilee isn't going anywhere.

when you begin to pursue healing and freedom, you experience resistance but so often the strength to get through whatever obstacle you're facing is available. all you need to do is {abide}. this is one of the biggest lessons i learned last year - one of the biggest lessons i'm continuing to learn daily.

i don't know how to stay.

i mentioned this shortly after latching on to jubilee. i spoke of aslan's claws, ready for the undressing. i spoke of my hesitancy, and the rebreaking that occurred right after.

and i learned something in those moments that i need to carry over into this year - my Father is not safe. 

but He is so, so good.

there were times this past year i allowed myself to rest in His arms. but it wasn't consistent. far too often i ran. far too often, my fear of vulnerability and pain and healing took precedence over His touch.

so in 2012, i choose to {abide} in jubilee. i'm clinging tight and letting the process take the time it needs.

i will be present in vulnerability. i will not run. i will not detach emotionally.

i will rest in the incredible truth of His love and i will do so until i believe it with every fiber of my being. it will be messy, probably awkward at times. i'll step on toes as i break in a new set of sea-legs.

but in the end it will be worth it - all the tears, all the running - resting in His embrace and learning of His love...i really can't imagine any better way to spend a year.

Posted on December 31, 2011 and filed under jubilee, abide.