saying yes to no.

the other night, i wrote an e-mail that most may consider a piece of cake. for me, it had taken months to push me to this point where i hesitantly raised my hand and said, "i can't anymore." so i sat in front of my screen, line blinking in the big white space, my heart pounding and waiting for words.

in a way, i think i felt like a quitter. mostly i didn't want to disappoint someone. once i sent it though, despite my fear, there was an immediate relief of knowing my plate wasn't as full as before. my no was a needed step.

for more reasons than i can list, i'm beginning to see a proverbial line form in the sand. i even wrote it in my journal this morning: i feel the line being drawn and i'm wondering when the answer will appear - which side will i be found in the end? at what point will i need to cross?

i don't even know the answer.

{this is what bugs me the most}

in a friend's post today, she reminded me that my Source is within - "It is your white-knuckled grip in the midst of a storm; gathering yourself and abiding when there is no energy for openness."

i read these words and smile - seeing my own word peeking out from the sentence, waiting for me to notice. i do. and i shake my head at the timing of it all: feeling the line drawn in the sand, the whirlwind of the coming storm of decisions, and this white-knuckled reminder to abide. 

in a weird way, my word is providing movement despite its inherent connotation of stillness. feeling the urge to {abide} leads me to say yes to the no's - the releasing of things once important but now an added pressure. good things. beautiful things.

but not my things.

in letting go, i'm embracing more of who i am - more of who He's made me to be for the world. i'm opening my eyes to brand-new possibilities and resting in the certainty of right now.

and i'm learning that no - despite the fear - is okay.

 

have you ever said yes to no? are you needing to right now?

Posted on February 8, 2012 and filed under abide.