i'm reading circle of quiet by madeleine l'engle right now, and it's doing good for my soul. there's been this pull of words lately, just beyond my reach, and i'm having a hard time believing what i say makes any difference to anyone. but l'engle reminds me of truth. she reminds me that it's not about writing the best but about writing in general - getting those words out regardless of the messiness or the fumbling around of syntax.
because being a writer and being a person aren't two different things.
i think, in a way, i've abandoned my words. that inner-perfectionist inhibits so much of what i say nowadays because there are so many things that can't be said - not in the truest sense at least. but i can still write...and i can still write truth.
like the fact that last night friends gathered around our living room and we spoke of story and restoration and provision and protection. how in the middle of it i was reminded of my love for story and this rag-tag community of believers i call family.
or how these past few weeks i've struggled and wrestled and cried through the otherness of this world - we see through a mirror dimly, you realize this, right? i trip over words to describe these moments, but i recognize the darkness and i cling to the light, knowing it's by Him and through Him i see.
and then there's the writing - the erasing and thinking and reading and scratching - the wondering of can i put that down? and would anyone ever read? i'm beginning to learn the art of waiting. the red-hot center of inspiration that pulses until fingers meet keyboard or journal. more than anything, i want my words to mean something. i want them to ring-true to who i am as a person. i'm so done with the creative types who feel they know what's best for gaining readership or selling books or creating a following.
if anyone follows me, i want it to be pretty clear it is not me they follow but Him.
and i want them to know this in love.
so that's where i'm at right now. perhaps a bit of finding my voice and sticking to it? waiting for these words to fall hot? eventually, i'll get to shedding the layers.
for now, i'll find my own circle of quiet and rest.