this weekend, i got a card in the mail from a friend. who would have thought this year of abiding would be one of the most difficult in your 30 years…it said, and i had to laugh. obviously, this friend sent the card before my minor breakdown saturday evening. but as i read the card and looked at the snippets of paper speaking of courage and rest and risk taking, i realized the timing couldn’t have been more perfect.
i’ve been really frustrated lately. actually, it’s been threatening to boil over since i started the study on tomorrow’s dreams today. in fact, the day i read part one, i was sitting in my husband’s coffee shop with pink hair from the color run and waiting for my appointment that afternoon to dye it back to an appropriate color. something began brewing that day, and saturday evening it all came to the surface in one ugly, maniacal, snotty-faced sob session.
you see, i’m in a predicament where my dreams are just within reach – but not close enough to where i have any idea what step to take next.
and to be completely honest, this leaves me in a very dark place emotionally.
and here’s some more honesty :: sometimes i feel left behind.
i hear the voices. i know timing is everything and saying no is crucial. but what i haven’t anticipated is the sacrifice of what makes me most alive and the diving in to that which sucks me dry.
there have been moments these past few weeks where i’ve been filled with an incredible hope – perhaps this is my timei’d believe. and maybe it is. maybe this brief dark spot is just that – brief. but from where i’m at, it feels like everything is falling through my fingers.
my dream? to write. to pour my heart onto page and encourage others to pursue their story. i want to write full time. i want to mother. i want to hold my baby and the ache at times is palpable.
i want to see my book in print.
but we’re at a stalemate, here.
my book’s release date has been pushed back and i’m waiting to hear from the new publicist. the timing for this is good – i honestly believe it. but there’s a small part of me that questions, since it was supposed to be published in november. will it ever see the light of day?
with the adoption, we’re in need of a miracle. there’s no way we have the funds for the next leg, and there’s no more energy to fundraise. it seems waiting will be our future for awhile.
and for the writing, well…i’m hoping i’ll have brief moments to scribble something in my journal these next few weeks once testing season begins.
sometimes, the road to our dreams doesn’t look like we planned.
but i’m learning something in the waiting season :: just because it’s not going as planned doesn’t mean the dreams are any less important. it just means they need that much more protection.
so i had a bit of a breakdown. the darkness clouded over for a minute this weekend. but you know what? when i came out of the fog, i had a whole heck of a lot more clarity.
so much so that i've been waking up at 4;30 every morning to write. i mentioned before my ability to have time to myself has been stripped away these past few weeks, so sunday night as i wiped the tears from my cheeks and blew my nose, i threw a middle finger toward the best laid plans and decided to lose a little more sleep.
and it's been hard. my coffee addiction loves it.
but it's good.
this morning, on my way to work, i paused at a stoplight and watched as the wind took over the wires and rain swirled around me. for a brief moment, i stood absolutely transfixed by the beauty of it all. in the middle of a storm, surrounded by darkness, i couldn't get over the art dripping down my windows.
re-reading mandy's book has been challenging and healing and inspiring. to be honest, i'm not sure i have anything nailed down. i still feel like a little girl most days, trying to figure out what i want to be when i grow up. there's a lot of whimsy to this approach, and i'm learning a lot in the process.
the dreams i do know though? those are being held tight. protected. developed.
and after this weekend, refined.
it's the only thing i'd ever hope to happen as i work to build them into reality.