in which i confess i want to hide.

most writers i know live with a strange paradox on a day to day basis. some days, they want others to read their writing and they will shout from the rooftops and do cartwheels and dance for others to notice them. they host giveaways and blog tours and just about anything to get noticed. they have a message, they believe in their voice, and they want people to listen.

and then there's the other days :: the ones where they ache for obscurity.

i didn't share any of my writing until college. minus the standard assignment for English class or the lone creative writing course i took my sophomore year in high school, most of my writing sat untouched between the covers of my journal. this is probably a good thing - teenage emotions and all that jazz.

but, this doesn't change the fact that this morning i woke up with the intense fear of ohmigosh-my-words-are-out-there-and-i-kinda-wanna-hide...

it took me awhile to figure out this is what was going on...i woke up in the middle of a dream, and in the dream i was avoiding people and wanting to cry but not wanting anyone to see my tears. you know. hiding.

and i'm sure there's a whole lotta psychology behind this, and probably a lot of therapy hours, but the bottom line is that when i remembered that we've reached the point in the publishing process where we're looking for people to endorse my novel, i had to remember to breathe, because suddenly i was fighting a lot of anxiety.

what if no one likes it? what if they find it childish? even worse, what if they're offended?

really, this whole thing comes as a surprise. i've been feeling kinda brave recently, like uploading my eBook to kindle select kinda brave,  and even this had me in fits as i got ready to face the day. i can't control who leaves comments anymore. i have no idea how to market a book {even with all those eBooks out there helping you}.

bottom line :: i'm feeling pretty vulnerable right now.

so i got online, and i noticed i had a notification from a friend. i mentioned last night that the process of finding endorsements may end up being the hardest part of publishing. she responded, "He will speak for you. Be still."

immediately i thought of the verse in exodus where we are reminded that the Lord will fight for us, we need only be still and the roar of protest my heart was giving because of putting her out on display quieted down to the hiccuped aftermath of a crying fit. i'm not good at putting myself out there. i hate it, actually. but i know God's given me these words, and i know He wants me to share them.

and so i will.

shaky fingers and all.


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Posted on April 4, 2012 .