Beneath these ribs is a divided heart that is both screaming to be invisible and aching to be noticed - Josh Riebock, Heroes and Monsters
sometimes, i'm scared of the words.
i feel them brewing - taking over my thoughts and simmering in my heart. i want to be honest in my writing, vulnerable even. but most of all i want to hide. because in moments like this one, where i feel the reality of decisions and day-to-day living falling heavy on my shoulders, it just all seems a little too much for my words to be seen.
vulnerability turns into a four letter word if i'm not careful.
so i tread lightly here, skim the surface and fall into rhythms not my own. instead of invisibility i don a mask and well...this never works for anyone.
this leads to a weird sort of balance. half of me aches to spill words of how i really feel - the ones where i juggle my thoughts and wrestle with messiness. the other, the side of me who hates a hair out of place, wants to cover it all. so i find these middle of the road thoughts that are safe and won't disappoint. oh but they do. they do disappoint and i'm left all wrinkly inside because i know it wasn't what my heart wanted to say - wasn't what He wanted to say. and then? then i lose the words. the ones i held on to, the ones i didn't want to share, they disappear.
the only thing this ever does is just make me tired.
so i'm trying to return to me. i may not be around here as often as normal or i may start spilling words left and right. i don't know. one thing i do know is that i'm gonna try my best to listen and listen well.
words don't come twice, you know.