i read somewhere recently that God doesn't reveal to us all of our pain at once. if He did, it would completely shatter us. instead, He does it piece by piece, slowly breaking through our heart of stone. my heart is easily wooed by this process, except for when new pain is introduced. it's easy to forget where you've come from - easy to place those memories in some sidebar of the brain. this doesn't serve us, though. and God, in His magnificent and furious love, wants nothing more than for us to be free. i've found it's usually right as we begin to take the breathe of relief that the healing process just may be coming to an end that He shows us one more piece to let go. it's never over. we'll never be completely healed with these earth-suits constantly reminding us of our move through eternity.
so we are re-introduced to muddling through the dirt and debris of our hearts. for me, this is when i begin to whimper. the habits of presentation and everything is fine come quickly to save face. but soon, i'm a mess. a puddle on the floor, broken and needing a Surgeon's hand.
can i be honest? this is where i find myself right now. i'm not writing from a "future me" - my words are penned from a state of brokenness where i'm a bit overwhelmed by decisions and opportunities and heart-pulling. i know i'll be okay. i know the monsters in the distance are really nothing but mirages, but that doesn't escape my quickening heart and sweaty brow. although i'm keeping the tears at bay, i'm pretty sure i'd collapse into a slobbery mess if anyone took a second glance and began to prod.
do you practice the discipline of silence? this question was asked of me last night as i explained my word for the year. i had to chuckle. me? silent? i know the discipline well but place me in a room with nothing but my thoughts and i just may start humming to drown out the noise. i knew why the question was asked, though and i couldn't help but remember the way my heart bent toward the thought of a quiet moment with Him.
because eventually? i know there's nothing more freeing and renewing than time spent in His lap. the thoughts will cease and it will be nothing but His words washing over me. the monsters in the distance will vanish into the atmosphere, and the wounds oozing fear and rejection will shrink through His suture.
so even though this morning i woke with the battle of running away vs. hiding my head in His chest, i know it's only a matter of time before He grabs me and holds me to Himself.
sometimes, His furious love overwhelms our senses. sometimes, there's nothing left to do but surrender to the divine Madman and His healing touch.