the fear of them

when patterns are broken, new worlds emerge - tuli kupferberg

this morning marks a little over a week where i've had all the time in the world to create.

and let me tell you - i've deleted and restarted more posts this past week than i ever thought possible.

at first, i chalked it up to the wall of summer. i hit it every june, the bone-deep exhaustion of finishing a school year - a hibernation of sorts. but, even though i allowed myself (and am still allowing myself, to be completely transparent) the moments of complete sabbath, i knew there was something deeper festering with my words.

i've gotten too preoccupied with they. 

you know - them. 

no one in particular, just the voices you hear when you begin to chase your purpose. the ones who bring you back. the ones who fear your success. the ones who gloat in your failure. the ones who cheer you on as long as you don't rustle any feathers.

the thoughts come quick, usually right as i sit down at the keyboard, "will they read it? what will they think? will they be upset? will i offend them? will they get it? will they even understand?"

and it's all i can do to keep pushing the keys. keep writing. keep forming thoughts. keep praying and keep creating.

recently i was reminded of a conversation i had with God a couple years ago. i'd been asking Him how He viewed me. what my name was and why i was here.

and while driving a dirt road in the middle of a rainstorm, he whispered fiercely against my soul - you are My speaker of Truth.

at first, i dismissed the feeling as just that - a feeling. but slowly, a steady pulsing began to beat deep inside and it wasn't until recently i understood the pulsing to be a heart awakened, a heart hearing her name for the first time.

and while we're being honest here, i'll go ahead and let you know that most times i don't enjoy this purpose. in fact, most times, i fight it.

"why do i have to be the one who says this?!" i'll ask my husband, tears streaming down my cheeks, message hot in my chest.

 "because you're the only willing to see." he'll respond, taking my hand and giving it a squeeze.

but i'll still fight it. i'll doubt and question and push it away and wait for it to leave but it never does. the words just grow hotter, the message firmer.

speak Truth, the phrase will rattle my bones and again, my heart wakes to His voice.

so i'm learning. i'm learning they hold no power over me. i'm learning my words are just that - my words and my story is the one He gave me so others may know His grace.

and when He puts the two together, there is nothing left but Truth, regardless of what they say.

Posted on June 18, 2012 and filed under finding{and telling}your story.