My heart was frozen inside of me. I stared at the paper in front of me and felt despair oozing its poison into every corner it could find. How was I going to tell him? How do you look at your husband and tell him that no matter how hard he works, no matter how many hours, it won’t be enough? How do you say even after selling the furniture and cutting back how much food we eat so the kids can eat and the groceries will last, it is still not enough?
I did the math again and again and again, hoping for an error on my part. But the numbers never changed. We weren’t going to make it. We weren’t going to be able to keep our home, much less feed our children.
I refused to cry. Just gritted my teeth and got through the humiliation of the next few months. There is no eloquent way to describe it. It was awful. We endured the criticism and disdain of people who had absolutely no idea what had actually gone on leading to this moment. We watched friendships we thought were lifelong disintegrate, people we thought believed in us push us away.
I was so numb, I did not even realize the fury boiling in my heart towards God. I only knew He was distant and I was bewildered. Why didn’t He rescue us?
New Year’s Day found me in my usual Sunday routine, getting ready for the worship service, practicing early, plastering my smile on again. Something in me was cracking because a new year just begs you to hope again, to try one more time.
That single crack was all He needed. His presence came rushing in, dynamite exploding the rock quarry called my heart.
I must have Him. Even if I do not understand Him. I can not rage against the only One who has the power to save me.
This is perhaps the biggest risk of Christianity - surrendering my right to understand. This is not an act of mindless faith, a crutch because I am so weak, I am willing to believe anything.
It is the deepest, most excruciating, most exquisite trust. It is the ultimate bowing of my will to His will, choosing to trust that He is good, that His only intentions towards me are good. It comes at a high price - this trust - but with immeasurable reward.
There, tangled in the strands of my life’s unravelling, my heart found peace and even though I did not know it yet, my enemy lost his advantage.