{russell} facing the darkness

editor's note :: you've heard from both of my sisters before, but this is the first time my love has agreed to post for me. when i asked him, he knew i meant it. i'm so proud of him for sharing this story and am so thankful for the redemption and restoration we've seen over these past few years. it's true, friends. all things really are made new. 

Today is our seven year anniversary.

There was moment when all could/should have been lost. However, I was shown a glimpse of the fullness of God's love and grace through Elora. I had to look her in eye and watch pain, disappointment, frustration flare and slowly give way to grace and love. The pain and hurt did not go away, as anyone who has hurt some one hopes and wishes, but His love was greater and started over shadowing what I had inflicted.

It was one of those moments that I was reminded that all things work for the good of God.

I think, sometimes, we fear the darkness inside - what we hide - will be the death of us. You know what I'm talking about - the  dark creature we all hide in the recesses of our DNA. DNA we all hope we won't pass on to our children. DNA we prayed would not mark our lives like it did our parents.

But, it is only in the presence of the dark that the true character will rise out of our being, shedding light on us to the whole of the world.  At that time what will this say to your fellow men, the people who love you, the people who work with you. I had worked so hard to hide who I truly am - even in the bond of marriage. There is that darkness we try to hide from ourself, our friends, our spouse and God, because we know or believe it to be the deal breaker to any of these relationship, yet we bond our self to these people looking for love and support but never expose who are in our soul.  We wrestle constantly to overcome the curse of past generations,the sins of our fathers.

And it's just all a losing battle. Eventually,  we wear ourselves out, scarring our heart bones in the process.  It is with the greatness of strength, weakness, desperation, and smallness that we admit to ourself that we can not fight the demon anymore. We make a choice, call out to Someone bigger than ourself or succumb to the darkness within us. For some of us, it is the latter that leads us to the former. Some of us have to spend our time in the skin of a beast that we never new was so large.

This was me. Fighting a losing battle, hiding what I knew, and just waiting for it all to come to the light. And when it did, I found the courage to face it in order to save my relationship with Elora.

And now today, seven years of marriage. Almost 11 years of knowing each other. All those years of getting to know each other, pushing each other growing more in love with each other, and a deeper personal knowledge of myself and God.

 

Posted on July 1, 2012 .