i wait.

if you were to ask me to quantify these past few weeks, there'd be no words. maybe a few shrugs. i'd probably show you the picture of the feather i found on a walk. and then, slowly, my heart would work up the courage to whisper the words pounding through my blood :: i'm going to be a mother. 

remember me telling you of the week with monumental movement? of close friends coming closer to whisper a yes in order to leave room for my roar of joy?

this is it.

here's the truth :: in a matter of seconds, i can bend over double with the severity of fear. in just ten weeks (or sooner!) russ and i will hold a beautiful baby girl and call her our own.

but the reality? there's always risks with these things, and we're dealing with other humans who have hearts and souls and dreams themselves. it gets sticky - messy even. and there's nothing i want more than to plunge my heart into a box for safekeeping but i know there's really nothing i can do - not now. not when we're in this deep.

so i pray. i love. i dream and i twist that knife of fear into splashes of color on canvas. i giggle at registries building and taking shape and i worry my knees into the ground with just let this work out and i can't believe it's here...

but most of all, i wait. i take all of this learning to abide and lean into One who knows the future and sees the tiny fingers and toes and color of hair and smiles because before anyone loved - He loved.

and this is what i cling to until i see her face.


one of the things on my 50 before 31 is to finish our adoption puzzle fundraiser. with only ten weeks left, will you consider joining us?

Posted on August 27, 2012 and filed under the {true} and the questions.