I was reading through my journal the other day and realized I never wrote about our placement falling apart. I went from wondering about what we still needed to finish before the birth to numerous pages about "disappointments" and "stress" - and I wondered, if I can't be honest here - where no one will read - where can I be honest?
There's still a lot I don't share here in this space. I've never come out and given you specifics on much of my story, and still there are those who read in between the lines and assume. There are others who know - who read between the lines and guess correctly - but I imagine it's because they were there. They know because somewhere inside deep calls to deep and they realize I'm speaking truth - even if it's hard to swallow.
I was told a few months ago by someone I love and crave approval from more than anyone else that I needed to be careful about what I write here - that some people may assume I lived a life of turmoil. And for the most part, my memories are tinted with happiness. But there's an undercurrent in every memory I have - this blackness that seeps into everything - and I wonder if most of it just comes from the hidden spaces. The moments in secret.
Ian Cron said that while writing his memoir Jesus, My Father, The CIA and Me, his mother would say "you can't put that in your book - you can't write about that - it makes us look bad!"
In which he would respond, "you have no intellectual property on my pain."
This is what I'm learning. Can I be honest? It's hard. There are so many - so many - voices telling me I need to change how I write. They tell me I need to change what I write.
I'm done with the fear of being a broken thing. My writing is dark because darkness is what I know - and it's in the darkness where I see the Light more clearly.
And my prayer would be that in my broken words, I spill out hope and truth and love - pushing back and letting Him redeem those dark spaces and secret moments one sentence at a time.
so there’s this community emily started that can get me to write when everything else seems a bit hazy. we link up our imperfect words and celebrate the beauty in our messes. will you join us?