risking it all.

65025_10152374298930004_1362035893_n I never imagined I would be telling you this so soon.

There've been hints here and there - shots in the dark toward nothing in particular. But the crux of the matter is this :: at the beginning of the year, I was asked to abide. And I did. I thought - much like the previous year - I knew what the word meant.

I really had no idea.

You see, this time last year I figured I'd be a mom by now. This time last year I figured my book would be published by now.

And in one of these, I was correct. In both of these, I was let down.

There's still a lot I am unwilling to say, especially in a space like this where anyone can grab hold of my words and misconstrue them. But, I will say there comes a point where everything has fallen through your fingers and you wonder how in the world He will make these moments new.

Because in August, we were matched with a mother. Five weeks before the birth, we realized she'd planned on keeping the baby the entire time.

In September, my book was published. This morning, the last day of 2012, I received an email that by January 7 it will be pulled from online shelves. My publisher is officially closing its doors.

It's moments like these I have to remind myself of when my friend told me it was time for me to take a risk on my dreams. She didn't know it then - she was only whispering the truths He told her to share with me - but this word was already creeping itself up and around my heart for 2013. A four-letter word. A scary word that makes me shake in my boots because I'm the safe one. I'm the put-my-hand-up-and-avoid-conflict one. But it was there - right in front of me - and when those words fell from her mouth I knew.

It's time I risk.

And really, what do I have to lose? Everything I breathed through this past year has all but fallen apart on me and I'm left with a few threads but that's all you need to build something beautiful.

I don't know what my next steps are - I've requested my files from the publisher in order to hopefully continue to keep Come Alive on the shelves as a self-published novel. But I believe in fate, and I know these words from my past two years have fallen on me when I needed them most. So here's to risk. Here's to letting go of the safety net.

Because if there's anything I've learned in these past few months, it's that you'll never learn how to soar if you don't first step to the edge and let yourself jump.


Thankfully, I've purchased a few copies of Come Alive when things started looking pretty bad and I still hadn't received any copies of my own. So, if you want to stay updated on when it's back online and set for good, join us over on Facebook. Once we hit 500 people, I'm going to be giving away a signed copy.

Posted on December 31, 2012 and filed under risk, abide.