I didn't write much in June.
I edited some. I scratched a few entries in my journal.
But write? Yeah no. It wasn't happening. I couldn't wrap my brain (or heart) around words long enough to accurately pen what was going on around me. The words were flying around though, bumping against my heart and begging for some type of release. I wasn't ready though. I didn't have the strength to face it.
I would surf the internet, read some books, fling some paint and the whole time I heard the roar of Silence in my spirit. I needed answers. I needed something pretty to wrap the past few weeks in—but louder than the roar was His quiet breathing as He sat with me during one of the most difficult months I've ever experienced.
In the middle of all the messiness, I understood a little bit more what it means to have Him as Father.
And then I got an email from Brandy. You see, I had a deadline looming for Wild Goslings and the words just weren't there. I couldn't find anything to say about teaching kids the importance of story when I didn't like the Story being laid out in front of me so I was experiencing an excruciating bout of writer's block. As always, she got straight to the point.
"What do you think about writing something for God as Father?"
My heart skipped.
I responded immediately. "Yes. Yes. I'll do it. Done."
There's probably a really large chunk of my inner writer that recoiled from any type of difficulty in word-forming during those few weeks. And who can blame me? We're all human even on our best days and no matter how many times I tell people to write through something it doesn't change the difficulty level of actually doing it when it's my turn.
So I grabbed at the chance to write about God being Father because hello, it's been my past year. The words came easy. Fast. Fluid.
And then, I wrote the last three sentences ::
"What would happen if you just let Him love you?"
I know the answer now. The whole world splits open and rests in His arms as He waits for me to join Him on the biggest adventure yet.
I'm not sure I have the market covered for How to Know When it's Time to Write Something and Share It, but as I wrote these words it felt as if my world split open. I could see them—all the janky bits broken from the past resting in His arms—and there He was smiling.
I think one of the biggest issues we face as believers is wanting to know everything.
We want answers and black and white categories. We want checklists and to-dos and ways to make ourselves more Holy and well...I just think it's all a bunch of hogwash, really.
The more I get into this relationship with Jesus, the more I see Him for who He is and what He's done for me, the more I quiet myself so I can hear the Holy Ghost, the more I understand the mystery of it all. And so I cringe when people begin to give me a ten-step process to overcome anxiety or to be a better mom or to get over something devastating. I'm learning, through grief and recovery and allowing Him to just let Him love me, that this whole thing we do—this relationship with Jesus? It's incredibly intimate. It's personal. And I figured I'd be writing these words while bouncing an infant in his carrier but I'm not and I may never know why and finally–finally—it's beginning to be okay.
This is what I hope to share with our kids one day. A relationship with Christ isn't about rules or regulations or whether or not you meet the monthly quota of [fill in the blank]. It's magic and mystery and breathtaking and hard and worth every minute. And most days?
You won't have the answers but you'll make it because the sound of His breathing will overcome the Silence. Always.
I'm super, super excited and stupid-proud over what my friends and I have been working on the last few months. Brandy Walker, the brain-child+creator+curator, will be publishing Wild Goslings July 15. Check out the video below ::