Posts tagged #Self-Image

the inner you

i am so excited to introduce you guys to my friend kelly. i met her on twitter - and there's never a moment where i don't feel encouraged because of her words and authenticity. her story? incredible. her struggle with self-image? parallel to my own. i encourage you to get to know her. go check out her blog. look her up on i-tunes. i promise you won't be disappointed.

____

It’s Tuesday, March 2, 2010.  I am 33 years old, 5 foot 4 inches tall and I weigh 210 lbs.  I know this because I had to go to the doctor last Monday, and the nurse announced after writing “210, obese” on my chart “wow, you really hide your weight well.”  My first thought was to punch her.  My second thought was “really? Because I feel like my weight is an announcement to the world that I am a mess.”

This past Sunday, we had family drama, and my 7-year-old son walked in the room and laid cookies on the table in front of me.  Even at his age, he knows I eat when I’m upset.

I have been “overweight” since I was a child. I was put on my first diet at 11 years old. When I started driving, I would go through fast food restaurants, binge the whole way home and throw up when I got there. My Dad was a boxer, owned a gym, and hired a trainer to try to help me when I was 15 years old.

Last time I was at my parents’ house, I found a pair of pants I wore to a dance in 11th grade. I remember crying that night because the boys made fun of how fat I was. I looked at the tag in those pants. They were a size 8. I am now a size 16.

A few weeks ago, a person who loves me a lot told me I was codependent.  They recommended that I read a book called “Codependent No More”.  I freaked out. I am a Christian.  I love Jesus.  I lead worship and sing songs about God for a living.  I’ve been through DELIVERANCE.  I’m not supposed to worry or be anxious or need medication. RIGHT?

I bought the book and read these words: “A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is OBSESSED with controlling that person’s behavior.” Um, hello mirror.  Codependent people neglect themselves because they are so busy controlling everyone around them, usually because of trauma and/or hurt.

I have had damaged relationships with my parents, my sister, my husband, and friends, and I have always blamed THEM.  But now, I’ve decided the skinny girl inside of me deserves a voice.  She deserves to be whole and well and healed.  I will be in counseling, going to Celebrate Recovery, talking more about what’s wrong with me and letting everyone else deal with their own problems.  Not because I don’t love them, but because it’s time to love ME.  It’s not selfish.  I can’t give anything from an empty well…or from a well that’s full of ice cream.

Jesus, in His loving kindness, knew when I was ready for this season.  My time is now.  I am praying anyone who reads this will prayerfully ask the Lord if it’s time for the person inside of you who died because of fear, rejection, pain, betrayal, abandonment, etc. to come to life again.

to be perfectly honest...

...I was totally dreading this post. Then, I read my new friend Erin's thoughts on accountability & well...I knew this was one of those things I had to do. Because, dear reader, I need you.

We need each other.

So here we go. The launch of the Skinny Me Campaign. Reminder - this is no diet. My heart's desire is to make lasting change, and it's been my experience in the past that it just doesn't work for me to have it in my head "no more coke!" or "no more tasty treats!" - I'm gonna fail. There needs to be a heart change before there can be any sort of body change.

Because of this, I will never post my actual weight, although I will share how many pounds I have lost. I also aim to be pretty transparent in struggles/accomplishments. But mainly - I want to focus on my relationship with Christ.

I was talking with my dear friend Christy last night & she was asking me about what my goals were for this idea.

My hope is that other women will join me in realizing their identity in Christ is far more important than a box of Thin mints or Oreos.

And this sounds absolutely ridiculous. In fact, as I was writing that last sentence, I sort of laughed to myself because really? Finding identity in food? Absurd.

...

But how many times have I trekked into the kitchen after a hard day and reached for a cookie or snack when I wasn't even hungry? How many times have I had an argument with someone I love, and instead of reaching out to them, I looked for solace in a glass of ice cream?

how many times have i run to food looking for a temporary fix, when i could run to the One who makes me whole?

Anyone relate?

In Mark 8, Jesus is speaking to the disciples. He says, "Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat; I am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me & I'll show you how. Self help is no help at all. Self sacrifice is the way, my way, to saving yourself, your true self. What good would it do to get everything you want & lose you, the real you? What could you ever trade your soul for?" (vs. 34-37; emphasis mine)

I read this passage on my way to work this morning and so many things stood out to me. Namely:

we are not meant to be comfortable.

I'll let that soak in for a minute.

...

Consider your day to day activities. Whether you struggle with lifting a hand full of M&M's to your mouth in boredom or clicking on that all-too-tempting link in your browser that promises excitement or even swiping that credit card one too many times in order to reach absolute trendiness...are you looking to Christ for fulfillment?

My prayer as I embark on this journey is that I will refuse to buy into the mindset that my comfort is first priority.

I can go without coffee despite being sleepy.

I don't always have to reach for those chocolates because...man...I need something sweet.

I would rather go to the One who knows me - knows my heart's desires & why I just can't say no - & allow Him to heal me.

Because that's what it's going to take...you know this, right?

Healing.

Anything that takes precedence over our relationship with our Savior threatens to tear everything apart. Our heart, our home, our mind...our body. Regardless of whether it's food, pornography, sex, alcohol, eating disorders, lying, stealing, adultery....

it's all the same.

You see, there's a reason why Jesus asks the question: "What could you ever trade your soul for?"

bottom line: He wants nothing...nothing...getting in the way of our relationship with Him.

are you trading your soul for something other than its best?

are you giving in to moments of pleasure instead of seeking the One who could fill the hole in your heart?

These next few days, take an honest look around you. Take an honest peak at your heart. Take a few minutes and listen to His love song to you - let Him sing. What's holding you back? What's getting in the way of your intimacy with Christ?

....what are you going to do about it?

My goal(s) for this week: Spend time in the word every day Allow Him to speak & sing over me Refuse negativity in any way (namely at work) Share His love with at least one person a day Drink at least 64 oz. of water a day No eating after 9 PM Work out at least five times this week (biking, running, walking...)

...Your turn :)

Posted on August 13, 2009 .