Posts tagged #relationships

your hand, your heat, your love.

sometimes it happens unexpectantly. a surprise text, a firm embrace, a caught glance across the room...it only takes a brief second, and i've fallen in love with you all over again.

my insides turn topsy-turvy, my lips part with that sudden intake of breath, my hands instinctively reach for yours so i can feel your heat against mine.

you are my love.

other times, it happens slowly. watching tiny fingers wrap themselves around your hand like an anchor, i feel the familiar pulse beating against my ribcage. this tiny beauty does not belong to us, yet i begin to see a vision of two who are one stretching their wings to cover those He's given us. i see you taking on a role of Protector. Comforter. Fighter.

i smile, because the role fits. the little one in your arms fights against the rhythmic and firm heartbeat in your chest - the same heartbeat i've pressed up against in the middle of the night. the same heartbeat that caused my palms to tingle with anticipation and excitement five years ago. i know the warmth she feels because i've felt it myself.

and then your face breaks into a grin. you catch my eye - as you have so many times before - and you raise an eyebrow in an adorable yet absolutely irresistible way.

"maybe it's time for us to have kids after all."

my heart jumps in my throat, your words huge against the quiet surrounding us. our eyes hold words only we know - and my insides begin to dance. my hands reach for yours as i work to calm the fury of love let loose.

what i have to say belongs in the hushed hours of the morning - before the sun stretches itself across the sky. limbs tangled, we'll speak of future things and laugh so we don't cry out of fear. more than likely, i'll be overwhelmed. more than likely, i'll turn my head and lose myself in thoughts and questions. but i'll always find your hand. reaching for it, feeling your heat rest against my skin, i'll sigh and remember the moment in the coffee shop when i fell in love with you all over again.

Posted on December 16, 2010 and filed under fluttering pulses.

intertwined

i watch him as he speaks - his hands moving awkwardly as he tries to find the words to say. his eyes shine and my heart's pulse quickens at the realization they shine for me.  i know he's probably nervous. i look for the overt signs of anxiousness but see none. his breath comes easy and his speech is smooth. i listen to the story from his side - the funny parts and the frustrating moments crash into my memory from a different perspective and i can't help but smile. i remember. i remember the cracked upholstery of his car, the embarrassment of spilled soda staining lobby couches, his hands gripping the steering wheel and turning white as i explained what the last boy did to me. i remember it all. and hearing my story come from someone else's mouth is absolutely surreal but beautiful.

i realize then, my story has become his story. we are forever intertwined through His gift of love and hope and redemption.

he glances at me and i catch the clue.  my turn. i pick up where he left off and continue to share - this time from my own memories. we continue like this for an hour and a half - like a symphony complete with moments for rest and crescendos. every time he speaks, my heart grows. every time he catches my eye, i can't help but smile. every time i share, i fight the strength of emotion.

we finish and climb down the stairs, making our way to our seats. he places his arm around me and pulls me close.

"i love you." he whispers in my ear - his breath caressing my cheek. i wipe the tears of gratitude and glance his way, memories still playing against the screen shot of my mind.

i grab his hand and give it a squeeze, our fingers laced together like the formation of our story. he smiles at me and i whisper, "i love you too."

Posted on March 10, 2010 and filed under fluttering pulses.

ragged edges

I wrote this almost a year ago - and here I am - in the exact same place. I pray this next year brings Russ and I into deeper and more authentic relationships. And that we finally find a community of believers who want to do life with us. Ragged Edges.

That's a good description of my life right now. There have been so many things happening in the past few months, sometimes I feel as if I am barely hanging on to the side of the boat.

Life is never easy. I get that. And I understand that sometimes, you have to walk through the valley in order to get to the mountaintop. I've heard these cliches like a broken record my entire life.

But no one ever prepared me for the cruelties of pruning. The cutting away of dead pieces hurt. The fact they are dead means nothing to the truth that they are still a very much a part of who you are. And when these pieces are gone...pain remains.

We were made for relationships. I was reminded of that today. Lately, Russ and I have gone through a period where everyone who we considered a close friend has disappeared. It's left us in an interesting position. Hurting for lost friendships, yet anxious for what Christ is preparing us for.

You know those desert clips? The ones where some guy stumbles through a desert, with cracked skin and a leathery face? All of the sudden, he sees a huge pool of sparkling water. Fresh, beautiful, clean and cold. He jumps in, only to be greeted with a mouthful of sand and pieces of tumbleweed. It was a mirage.

That man is me.

And I know that desert places are essential in our walk with Christ. And I know that pruning calls us to a deeper understanding of complete trust in Him.

But it doesn't change the pain and it doesn't ease the burden of knowing you still have a long way to go and mirages are just something you are going to have to deal with - because on this road thirst is a part of the equation.

I am so....thirsty....

Thirsty for healing Thirsty for a fresh start Thirsty for authentic relationships Thirsty for laughter Thirsty for words.... Thirsty for His touch.

So this is me. Broken. Hurting. Waiting.

A new day is coming. A day where the glistening water won't be a mirage and growth will start replacing the dead pieces. It might not be tomorrow, or the next day, but it will come.

When the world is falling out from under me, I'll be found in You - still standing. Every fear and accusation, under my feet When time and space are through - I'll be found in You. You make all things new. - Brooke Fraser

Posted on December 31, 2009 .

love story pt.2

(Read part 1 here) After the True Love Waits rally, my friendship with Russ blossomed. Most lunches you would find me sitting with him & his roommate eating & laughing & listening to the crazy stories he had of his family. I remember him talking about "I Love My Wife Month" & his resolve to do the same whenever he got married & feeling a very distinct pang of jealousy. I was still dating boyfriend, and while boyfriend was romantic - he wasn't nearly as romantic as this guy next to me seemed.

Although, there were a few problems. One being, well...I was in a relationship. Two? So was Russ. I hadn't really spoken to him much about his girlfriend, but word around campus was they had been dating for awhile. I always thought it was a bit weird, because I never really saw them together, but I thought...you know...whatever...to each his own. The third problem was perhaps the biggest & most disconcerting for me. Note the first two: we were both in relationships with other people. The third problem came creeping into my heart with stunning recognition one morning when I saw him walking towards me on my way to Psychology.

I was excited to see him.

Most importantly...I had butterflies.

You know...those butterflies.

Instantly I composed myself & nonchalantly said my "good mornings" and "hellos" to him & my other guy friends who were decidedly skipping out on Psychology. I remember very vividly what I felt that morning when he gave me one of his hugs - it startled me because it was something I didn't even feel with boyfriend, and we had been dating pretty seriously for a couple of months. I couldn't deny it, though. It was a feeling that shook me to the very core of who I was & what I was looking for in a guy.

I felt at home.

I never looked at Russell the same. I knew the connection meant something, and that knowledge scared me. I was...in love, right? In love with boyfriend?

I dealt with the situation the only way I knew how.

I avoided Russ.

Now, I still ate lunch with him & friends. I still sat in front of him in Psychology & we still talked. But, I conveniently timed my trek to class in order to miss his interception. I may be late to class, but at least I didn't have to deal with the feelings making themselves more apparent. Basically I lived in denial.

But our connection wasn't always emotional. One of the main reasons I found myself so magnetically pulled towards Russ was his absolute love of life. Every time I was with him, I knew I would end up laughing. Every time I saw him, just watching his face light up in recognition was enough to allow myself the privilege of hanging out with him.

One night, I was lounging in the lower level lobby of my dorm waiting for boyfriend to call. Suddenly I heard the elevator door open & laughter. I looked towards the door & in walked Russ with some friends & this...contraption. My eyes showed confusion, no doubt. Once he saw me his eyes lit up.

"Elora! Okay. What drink do you want...RC, Rootbeer, or Mr. Pibb?"

"Um...wha..Russ, what are you doing?" I glanced at the long tube jutting out of a funnel and suddenly it donned on me, "Is that a..."

"A cola bong!" He started giggling like a school kid & asked again. "Come on. I'll pay for your drink. Just let me know what you want. I'd go with RC. It has less...fizz."

His friend started chuckling & I had a sinking feeling I wasn't getting out of this one. I shrugged my shoulders & decided why not. It wasn't like we were downing alcohol. I kept the question to myself of how they managed to get the bong downstairs, and replied, "RC."

"YES! She's in guys. Let's do this." Russ ran upstairs & got my drink & I waited on the couch, listening to our friend give me pointers from his background in wasting a complete fall semester at Texas A&M. When Russ came back, I was "prepped" & ready to go.

Russ looked at me & smiled. "Are you ready for this? Just lean over the trash can & tap my leg if you need me to slow down. If you need to stop, just stick your thumb like this & cover the hole to keep from spewing everywhere. It's so fun. I promise."

I looked straight into his eyes and said, "this better not be a joke."

I bent over the trash can. I glanced at my thumb keeping the RC at bay and took one final glance at Russ long enough to see a glint in his eye. "I'm ready." I said.

The soda came pouring through the tube & into my mouth. I was back at youth camp all over again, downing a sprite in seconds in order to win a relay. Only this time, it was an RC, and I was drinking out of a bong.

I was doing well, until I started choking on the fizz.

I did what any other person with absolutely no knowledge whatsoever of how to manhandle a cola bong would do - I stopped drinking, spit the remaining RC which was IN my mouth out, and moved the tube away from my face so as to prevent getting any more drenched with the sticky carbonation.

"Elora! Trashcan! Trash can!!!"

My brain slowly made the connection. Instantly, my thumb moved to where it was supposed to be - covering the spout - and I leaned back and made a quick, furtive glance towards Russ.

He was drenched from the waist down with residual RC - most likely what was spewed from my mouth.

I smiled sheepishly, "Oops?"

The laughter started quietly...a slight movement of both of our shoulders. Before we knew it, we had tears running down both our cheeks from laughing at the other person. Him laughing at my absolute inability to down a soda, and me laughing at well...his wet clothes.

We were interrupted by my roommate walking in the room.

"Hey! Ohmigosh. Girl...you have to try this." I peeked at Russ from my tear-stained eyelids & made quick eye contact. He winked.

"Um, okay. But...your boyfriend just called." She glanced at Russ. "I didn't know where you were so I told him you'd call him back."

Immediately I was brought back to reality. Oh. Boyfriend. Right. I glanced at Russ and said, "I need to go call him back. I'll see you later. Make sure she does this. And, uh...thanks for the RC."

I could hear him chuckling & my roommate asking questions as I walked out the door.

I remember that night for multiple reasons. One, it was one of the first times Russ & I truly bonded. Two, it was another conversation with boyfriend that would change the course of my life.

That night, I shared with boyfriend I was transferring to Oklahoma Baptist. I would be closer to him. We could finally really pursue this whole..."future" thing.

I remember him being excited. I remember him telling me what we could do on the weekends & where he would take me & us dreaming a little of how wonderful it would be to experience living so close to each other.

But I also remember hearing the laughter in the lower level lobby while I sat in the hallway alone talking on the phone. I was happy, right? I was doing the right thing...right?

"You there, Dot?"

Dot was my nickname given to me by my boyfriend. I never liked it, mainly because it seemed more of a name a brother would give a sister...but I never let on.

"Yeah, I'm here. I was just thinking."

"Me too, girl. I can't wait for you to get up here. I miss you."

"Yeah." I said...still thinking about the people in the lobby. "Me too."

....to be continued

Posted on August 5, 2009 and filed under fluttering pulses, story.