Posts filed under jubilee

learning to {abide}

a year ago, i claimed a word as my own. it came to me first. driving down the freeway and talking with a friend on the phone, jubilee hit me square in the chest and wouldn't let go.

it's been there ever since - pushing, nudging, pursuing.

and much like this word, my word for 2012 came to me early. i knew it when i saw it, and i hesitated when i felt the familiar weight settle in my chest. i knew it was taking up residence - pushing around old things and making room for new lessons on trust and vulnerability and healing.

i resisted - and when i resisted i knew i had no other choice but to accept the word as my own.

i've come to realize jubilee isn't going anywhere.

when you begin to pursue healing and freedom, you experience resistance but so often the strength to get through whatever obstacle you're facing is available. all you need to do is {abide}. this is one of the biggest lessons i learned last year - one of the biggest lessons i'm continuing to learn daily.

i don't know how to stay.

i mentioned this shortly after latching on to jubilee. i spoke of aslan's claws, ready for the undressing. i spoke of my hesitancy, and the rebreaking that occurred right after.

and i learned something in those moments that i need to carry over into this year - my Father is not safe. 

but He is so, so good.

there were times this past year i allowed myself to rest in His arms. but it wasn't consistent. far too often i ran. far too often, my fear of vulnerability and pain and healing took precedence over His touch.

so in 2012, i choose to {abide} in jubilee. i'm clinging tight and letting the process take the time it needs.

i will be present in vulnerability. i will not run. i will not detach emotionally.

i will rest in the incredible truth of His love and i will do so until i believe it with every fiber of my being. it will be messy, probably awkward at times. i'll step on toes as i break in a new set of sea-legs.

but in the end it will be worth it - all the tears, all the running - resting in His embrace and learning of His love...i really can't imagine any better way to spend a year.

Posted on December 31, 2011 and filed under jubilee, abide.

jubilee in red

there's within my heart a melody, Jesus whispers sweet and low... i woke up with my heart all twisted. all day long, i've resisted. the anchored feeling of finding quiet and seeking Him, listening and waiting - it was just too much. too scary. too vulnerable. because of the beckoning, i feared. because of the deep-rooted sense of come near i felt compelled to run the opposite direction. i didn't want the pruning. i didn't want the pulling back of another layer. even if it was just the beginning - the small fold in preparation for the complete reveal of old made new.

i wish there was an accurate way to describe these layers - a built in safety net worth years of hiding. and now that He's urging me forward, bringing me to jubilee, i'm experiencing the fullness of life. even in struggle. even in pain.

even in red scribbles twenty years too late.

and as i sat there tonight, eyes puffy from the stripping away, i heard the soft hum of a heart whispering her worship - a reminder to sit. rest. breathe. it's only in these moments is she truly able to unwind and let out her wrinkled parts - the ones bent and warped by time.

fear not I am with you, peace be all of life's ebb and flow.

i can't even begin to express how difficult this year has been for me. in so many ways i just want it all to be over. the whole "process" of recovery, the twelve steps, the tears, the continuous realization of how broken i am...

but ohmigoodness the fellowship i've experienced with the Lover of my soul. it's breathtaking and worth every tear - knowing He's holding them gently in His hand.

i feel HIm pulling me toward a closer walk. more reflection. more journaling. more questioning. more intimacy.

and in so many ways my reluctant heart squirms cause she knows there's surgery involved. in every moment it seems too much, a calm centers me. peace, My child, i hear and i rest. sometimes it still hurts. sometimes, like tonight, i'm blindsided by His healing touch - a swift removal of pain stuck and festering for years. other times it's more gentle - a slight tug until i'm on my knees.

but every moment i'm left humbled and joining my heart in her song.

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus - sweetest name i know fills my every longing - keeps me singing as i go.

Posted on August 25, 2011 and filed under jubilee.

the writing on the wall

we moved in to a new apartment recently, and one of the first tasks i tackled in making it a home was creating a prayer room.

there's a set of curtains leading into the back corner of a closet, a bulletin board for prayers, and the history of redemption lined up for us to remember the story of our restoration through pictures and scripture.

it's a refuge.

and the first thing you see when you walk in the door is handwriting scrawled on the wall - the Truth will wreck this place - it says, and i believe it. if there is one thing i've learned this year in my pursuit of jubilee it's that the Truth will wreck you in order to set you free.

it doesn't come easy.

it often hurts.

but at the end of the day, when i'm alone in that room and i feel the Spirit come and hold me, He reminds me He who breaks is also He who heals and what i know of Him is just a mere whisper of His glory. and then suddenly i don't feel as wrecked as before - suddenly an all-together new sense of wholeness begins to resonate deep in me.

Posted on August 12, 2011 and filed under jubilee.

jubilee pursues me

i started writing this morning but quickly trashed it - realizing the words falling on the keyboard weren't really the ones stuffed deep inside. hiding behind them, i almost didn't see it. i almost continued on without really paying attention and expected my point to be made clear. only until i paused long enough did i understand what i wrote didn't match the feelings and the questions and doubt. it's been a rough few weeks. i feel like i've said that a lot this year. maybe it's just been a rough year? i'm not sure exactly how to qualify pursuing jubilee and falling flat on your face with the past.

it's no matter. six months in, i'm understanding the process. i'm embracing my story - the pain and the triumph - and realizing only until i hold in my hands those pieces of my brokenness will i be able to let it go.

so that's where i'm at right now. picking up those pieces - examining them - holding them to the Light so i can really see. sometimes the Truth comes in waves and i'm able to ride the current a little easier. other times, like right now, even the most innocent conversations can trigger something deep in my heart and i'm forced bite my lip to keep from screaming at my own doubt.

but He's here. and that's one of the things i've learned in pursuing jubilee. when you ask for healing - when you keep your eyes focused on the Truth in the storm of lies, He meets you in the midst of the pain. this Love comes in the form of a friend showing up at the perfect time - heart misunderstood and tender with disappointment. it comes in a song echoing across your life - reminding you of His grace and mercy wrapping around you, a wind-whipped tree in the middle of a hurricane. i've even experienced His romancing in the middle of a theatre - soaked in Beauty and chaos - tears falling at His sovereignty and love.

it's His quiet reminders of restoration and promise. it's the reminder we aren't alone and He is with us. and most importantly - it's the sweet breath of jubilee - pursuing me and loving me - mess and all.

Posted on June 21, 2011 and filed under jubilee.

quiet heart.

my heart's been quiet lately.
normally, this scares me. i worry my words will disappear or that i'm on the brink of an emotional upheaval.
but lately? there's just been open space where words and thoughts tumble about inside.
and i'm okay with it.
i think it's because i'm beginning to understand these words really have nothing to do with me. i can pound my fingers against keys and close my eyes willing sentences to make sense but it means nothing if what i've written doesn't point to the One who gave me breath and life and story.
so i'm lacking in the word department. i'm taking the time to sink deep and lean in - allowing Him to inspire me in new ways. i know there's still much to be done in my heart, still a lot of questions swimming around inside. but i can wrestle while living, and i think this is what He's calling me to do right now. live.
because right now what i'm wrestling the most is fear.
fear of failure.
fear of success.
fear of disappointment.
fear of rejection
fear of the unknown.
fear of not being worth it.
fear of being too much.
there's a lot to swallow in the tiny pill of fear - a lot of razor sharp lies. if i'm ever truly going to experience jubilee i have to stare these lies in the face. the fear of man only leads us to more shackles and brick walls.
and from what i've learned of my Father this year, i know more shackles and brick walls aren't in His plan for me. someday, i'll experience true freedom. until then, i'll run hard and fast towards the Truth.
it's the only way i know how to face the lies.

so much shouting, so much  laughter

Posted on April 14, 2011 and filed under jubilee.