I've been looking for a full time job.
I've been searching since January, but only really now am I able to talk about it. As a creative entrepreneur, it's a hard pill to swallow. I was working for myself. Now I need to work for someone else.
I've gone through the gamut of emotions. The failure, the fear, the anger, the relief, the excitement — they're all there, battling for my focus. It's a strange thing to know that when everyone else in your circle had a job, you left yours to pursue writing full time. And now, three years later, those same people are leaving their jobs to celebrate the successes of their own start-ups while you are returning to the 9-5.
This is not a failure.
Failure would be me hanging up the hope of ever gaining traction with Awake the Bones. Failure would be to close up shop and refuse any more clients.
I would be lying if I said Fear never had me wondering if this is what I should do. That's usually when I battle Anger. Why me? Why now? Why this?
And if I'm completely honest with myself, the answers to these questions set me straight all over again because it's not about giving up anything. It's not about taking steps back or rewiring or starting over.
It's about doing it right.
If these past few years taught me anything, it's this: I know my core. I know, because of starting a business and publishing two novels on my own, who I am — and most importantly, who I am not. I forgot for a moment. I let voices steer me in directions I wasn't ready or willing to go. I mentioned before a lot of this stemmed from needing to pay the rent. I got anxious, desperation sank in, and I reached for anything. I don't want to do this again.
I want to be cohesive.
Maybe this doesn't make sense. But I'm about the sharp lefts. My life has never been sequential.
I got my teaching certificate after I started teaching.
I signed with an agent after finding a publisher.
I went indie after experiencing the traditional market.
And now, after developing a business and finding my core, I'm returning to full time work. Who knows? Maybe my office hours will be shorter lived than I expect. Maybe three months from now I'll be in a corporate position I never saw coming. Maybe clients will come out of nowhere and I will learn the fine art of balancing full time work and freelance. Maybe Secrets Don't Keep will climb the charts and I'll become a millionaire with one book (wry grin).
I don't know. There's a lot of maybes, but one very sure thing: I want to build something I'm proud of, and to do that, I'm going to need time. I want to give my clients the focus and care they deserve without this added stress of OHMIGOSHCANIMAKERENTHOWDOIMAKEANOTHERBUCK. There's something to be said of the slow-burn of creativity and how it forces you to hone in on what makes you pulse with excitement. THIS is what I want for Awake the Bones. It's what I want for everything I write. I don't want to live my life in a frenetic motion. I want my wildness to be flavored with intention and soul.
Every story has a plot twist, and this is one I never saw coming. But it feels right, and it feels true. This year is about me doing the opposite of what's expected. In a world that celebrates the walking away, it makes sense that I'm signing the dotted line.