When the Words are Full but Tangled

The last time I blogged, I forced myself to sit in this chair and write. 

"I need to just do it," I told Russ. He agreed, and then kissed me before shooing me into another room so I could focus. It was my birthday, and I had so many thoughts and stories and words floating in my head that I wanted to share, but when I tried to write, it came out forced. And while I'm all for getting out the mess so you can find the gold, I also understand that just because you have the words doesn't mean you're ready to write them.

I finally managed to write a post about my 32nd year, and hit publish resolutely because at least I wrote something. But I knew even though it was something, it wasn't the one thing. 

The words are not the issue this summer. I have them. I have plenty. What's blocking me is the how. 

You see, in June, my life took a characteristic sharp left into full time employment. Even though I was looking for this, I never expected it to quite turn out the way it did. For the past three years, I've worked my ass off as an entrepreneur. I've written thousands of words and published countless blog posts and pushed hundreds of emails into the ether. By the time I stepped foot into the training room, thoughts were already starting to twist themselves into formation. 

Thoughts like, why does going corporate mean you're selling out? and how in the world did I get so burnt out? 

Here's a spoiler: I don't think I've sold out in any way. In fact, so much of these past two months have felt Right and True in ways I struggled to find working for myself. But that doesn't change the fact that there's this inherent perception that unless you're chasing after the sun and living life solely on your terms, you're not living right.

And this is where my words have gotten tangled. 

Because what I feel when I'm at work is not my soul banging against my insides because I'm selling her out. What I feel is happiness and connection and gratitude.

Every day, I walk into work and build relationships with businesses across the US and Canada. Every day, I have countless conversations with people just like myself, people who are hustling to make it in their industry. I hear it in their voices and I recognize it in the way the words fall fast and hot from their lips. In another moment, on another day, these people could be me.

But what slows me down are the stories. How they found themselves making a living doing what they love. How anxious they are to get settled so they can start creating. If there's one thing I've learned with this job it's this: creative entrepreneurs are my people. The risks, the beauty, the hustle, the freedom — all of it lights me up like nothing else. And working with them daily? It's moments like this that have me whispering words like thank you and wow because out of seasons where I felt completely misaligned, I'm right in the middle of one that feels purposed. 

And slowly, a tangled piece of syntax comes undone.

Posted on September 1, 2015 and filed under The Memoirs.