i take a look at the red numbers and sigh. without any warning, tears threaten to fall past the safety of my eyelashes and a thought screams through my mind: who are we fooling?
these past few weeks, i've felt more like brooke fraser, walking & stumbling on some form of shadow feet instead of planting my feet firmly in front of me. but i have to remember: i'm not found in anything else but Him. and this rubble i'm finding myself in, it will soon be made new.
in short: i do not exaggerate when i say these past few weeks have been some of the most difficult we've experienced.
from closing my eyes at the gas pump in prayer that a card will go through so i can fill up and get home to a freak tweak of my knee landing me in the ER and out of the classroom for the day, i feel so drained.
i texted a friend the other night after hearing the verdict on our car repair. it would completely delete russ' paycheck. a paycheck i celebrated because it was 250 more dollars than his last - 250 dollars that could go to our application. i couldn't take it anymore. i couldn't even get through the text without the interruption of another school loan company calling for payment. i texted her because i just had to laugh.
never before had the truth of Resistance been so clear. it's simple: Satan does not want us to live in pursuit of Love. he doesn't want us to live in pursuit of Jubilee.
but we serve a God who specializes in rescue.
not very many people know about our step of faith yet. we haven't even told our family - we're waiting for Christmas. but the community we've whispered our heart to has been essential in our shadow feet stumbling through this new beginning. even this morning, as i sat with tears streaming down my face because for a brief moment forgot about His provision, my phone vibrated. looking down, i read a text from a friend telling me she's praying.
and the only thing i could do was smile - because sometimes His rescue looks a little different than we intended.
who are we fooling? i hope no one. there is absolutely nothing about our story that points to us doing this on our own. our bank account is smaller than it needs to be for added expenses like diapers and formula and doctor visits. my house is a wreck. although the dishes are done, there's crap on the floor and our bedroom is filthy.
and let's not even mention the grout.
i can't help but notice the parallel. even in our filth, our Father wants us. even in our neediness and distress, He never tires of our cries.
He adopts us as we are - alone, hopeful, looking for home.
my mind wanders to our little one across the world. is this baby but a breath on a woman's tongue? has the mama felt the kick against her stomach? has she looked into the eyes of our child for the last time?
i pray my Father continues to refine me - preparing my heart for the overflow of emotion this precious child will bring.
because here's the truth: the last person i want to fool is myself. my heart's already in this. even though i don't house this child in my womb, the connection is already there. resistance means nothing.
the pursuit of Jubilee has already begun.