start somewhere.

april 5 will mark five months since we began this process. it's been almost four since we've really made any headway.

part of this is because of some things God's bringing to the surface - parts of our story He has yet to redeem. it's always difficult when refinement happens, but throw in juggling the process of adoption and probably explains why the application sits on our dresser untouched since late november.

i've wanted to update for almost two months. there's just been nothing and everything to say. russ is on his way home from africa now - and i'm recuperating from a surprise surgery and the windwhipped feeling of standing in God's presence. i've wrestled a lot in the past month. sat in the same room and conversed with some of the most giving and audacious people in the realm of orphan care at ideacamp. felt the familiar ache of knowing God wants me to step into the world of motherhood and then the suffocating fear of failing.

so, i'm making an attempt to start somewhere. hopefully over the next few weeks i can fill you in on everything that's happened since 2011 brought on more challenges russ & i have seen in our five years of marriage. in a way, it serves as an encouragement. resistance often points to us walking the right path. in other ways, it's absolutely exhausting and i fight turning and running every day.

but then i dream of russ holding our baby boy, and the moment an e-mail will reveal years of waiting wrapped in a tiny smile. then, everything seems worth it. in that moment, i'd do anything to have this process complete and i'm given new strength to make it another day.

Posted on March 20, 2011 and filed under Thoughts.