the beginning.

it was about a year ago that i started having thoughts about where God wanted us. in september, i read the gospel according to Jesus Christ and felt an urgent need to really start praying for our future family. i started having mom-dreams. one of my closest friends called me and said even she had a dream of us bringing home baby - and promptly asked when we were going to start the adoption process. around november, i couldn't take it anymore and finally opened my mouth - letting russ know what had been weighing on my heart for some time. it was the moment i needed to lay down my fear and embrace this mom-heart.

ethiopia seemed like the natural answer. we were drawn there for reasons we couldn't explain outside of africa dirt still finding it's way into our blood. we always imagined adopting from africa, and since the ethiopia program was so solid and others were shaky at best, we started the process.

i always had a question in the back of my mind though: what about the babies here? and i'm not "that" type of person - my heart for africa goes deep and wide and give me an opportunity to step foot on her soil again and i'll fight my way on to the plane. i couldn't shake the feeling though that international adoption was on its last leg and that the purpose of the local church would drastically change. i started thinking thoughts like "how can i know for sure if my baby is truly adoptable" and "why does it cost so much money? really? why thousands of dollars and where does it go?"

it didn't help that as soon as we signed up for the program, ethiopia's adoption policies changed drastically.

like....adding months and then years to the process drastically.

i kept quiet for awhile. a long while. i prayed and felt the ache and knew we were getting closer to our baby. my arms just wanted to hold him or her. i wanted to skip this whole process - forget the paperwork and the misgivings - and just jump to the day where we looked our baby in the eyes and knew we made it. 

i also was scared. i didn't want to admit it, but i was almost struck numb with the hoops we had to jump through in order to complete the process. i felt overwhelmed, depressed, and confused. i didn't understand how i could resist the process so much but ache for my baby. i didn't understand the discrepancy between my fear of being a mom and the urge to mother.

but then january came, and God gave us a word to cling to: jubilee.

i had no idea the road He was about to lead us through - no idea the obstacles. staring back at these six months, it's only by His grace we've made it this far.

and it's only by His grace we're still clinging to jubilee & still fighting for our baby.

Posted on August 2, 2011 and filed under Faith, Paperwork.