letting go of as-planned.

i am reminded daily - no - hourly that this whole adoption thing isn't in my hands. meaning: things don't always go as planned.

in december, we had our homestudy interviews. this was the first part of the "interrogation" as russ & i like to put it. it wasn't bad - we got through it - and our social worker let us know she'd get back with us after the first of the year to schedule our home visit.

...we're still waiting.

i'm currently battling this ever-present need to call every second of the day until i hear her voice on the other end of the line. i'm trying not to fall into the "crazy-mother" category though, so i refrain. this is hard. i'm pretty sure i've scrubbed and rearranged and hid under the covers many times this past month when i think about it. you want so badly to control areas and when you're waiting for a phone call, it can just about send you over the edge.

i know timing is essential with adoption. i know once i'm holding our baby all will make sense. right now though? right now it's difficult to not get frustrated with the process.

this past weekend russ & i scheduled our fingerprints. because of our schedules, we couldn't manage the same day. i fingerprinted friday and almost had to reschedule - the government's system was malfunctioning and the worker didn't want to deal with the computer "that late in the day."

it was 4:00pm.

i got them done, though and expected russ to have no issues. his fingerprints were scheduled for yesterday. thinking his appointment was at 3:50, he got off work early, stopped by the house to pick up his fast pass, and headed to the facility. he ended up being 30 minutes early, but this didn't matter because somehow between us getting our schedules and receiving the confirmation e-mail, the system didn't mark him down with an appointment.

he called me and i was already on my way home. driving down the highway, i immediately started looking for a place to pull over and steal wi-fi for just a second so i could send him the receipt. apparently, the confirmation email wasn't enough. he needed the receipt proving he scheduled. no problem. i pulled over at starbucks, just in time, and sent off the email right as he entered the building right at 4:30 - his original appointment time.

the lady already left.

i really can't describe how frustrating of a feeling it was to hear she left - even though she knew his appointment was set for 4:30 and was trying to get the paper to prove it. i called the agency then, hoping for some answers, and reached another brick wall. again, i can't even describe how maddening it was to hear the lady on the phone explain to me russ had no appointment listed - that the last appointment they had in the system was from october of 2010.

i was explaining some of this last night to my counselor. she looked at me and shook her head, "i can't imagine how this must feel, elora. i can only assume it's a little like feeling you're waiting one day past your due-date."

and this single statement captured what i'm reminded of every day: this process is so similar to being pregnant. the waiting, the expectation, the knowing a little one will soon be in your arms. however, this process is so...different from being pregnant. the waiting is indefinite. the expectation counters a fear that's ever-present. and sometimes, in the middle of life as planned, you begin to wonder despite the knowing. will we ever be placed? will this person ever call? will we ever have a meeting or an appointment that doesn't have a hitch?

there's nothing else to do but accept it, really. suck it up, take a deep breath, and reschedule appointments. set my shoulders and make another phone call.

eventually, our waiting will end.

Posted on January 31, 2012 and filed under The Process.