the hurry up of wait

A few months ago, I whispered a prayer: God, do something in this adoption that makes it apparent You were behind it. Make it blatantly obvious we had nothing to do with it...

Last time I wrote, we were a few hours short of meeting our caseworker and I was struck with the flu.

As most things in adoption, we ended up not having our home-study that day.

Some friends came over and helped us clean and brought us breakfast. The night before, we'd been ordered to rest and that the cleaning {what was left of it} would happen in the morning. When Saturday came, I couldn't have been more thankful for friends who refuse to hear no.

Both Russ and I wheezed and vacuumed and {begrudgingly} passed over the mop so we could rest. As soon as we were finished, Russ received a phone call from our case worker letting us know she was stuck in Houston. It was stormy in Austin but down right scary where she was and some of the roads were already closing.

Russ looked at me when he got off the phone and I fought back the tears. I felt so sick, so exhausted and so defeated. 

"Looks like you guys get a built-in day of rest." I glanced at our friend, leaning against our counter, and managed a small smile. He was right - I knew it. But it still didn't answer the question of why. 

And then, somewhere between my frustration of getting ready and having the study being pushed back a day and my collapse into bed, I just stopped worrying.

and uh...this is a huge deal for me. 

Perhaps God allowed for me to come down with a sickness that rendered me immobile for the sole purpose that I'd understand this isn't about me. Just like I posted before, everything is in God's hands.

So the home study came on Sunday, and God worked miracles so I wasn't coughing up a lung and my fever waited until she shut the door and left. I can't emphasize enough the feeling of relief and gratitude of being done with everything - and having felt sustained through the whole process. When everything was said and done, I fell against Russ' chest and let it all soak in - the movement of the process, the apprehension, the nervousness.

But most of all, I let myself relish the fact that a known stranger recognized the mother's heart within me. And even more, she let us know our wait - albeit never guaranteed - may not be much of a wait for very long.

So now we're experiencing the hurry up of hurry up and wait. There's still a few stray papers we're collecting to finish the home study. Once we're approved, we'll owe our next installment and will officially be on the wait list.

And this wait is what makes me the most nervous of all.

We'd appreciate your prayers over the next few weeks and months. We'll {hopefully} have everything in by the beginning of March and then everything starts moving quickly it seems. There's no set timeline, no definitive. We covet prayers for protection, wisdom and peace. Most of all, we ask for prayer over our future child and the birthmother.

I've learned again and again there's really not much Russ and I can do to speed the process up in any way. Even our home study - although almost complete - was on a different day than originally scheduled. So I'm clinging to my one word for this year, resting in His promise, and praying for the day I'm holding our baby for good.

Posted on February 28, 2012 and filed under Faith, The Process.